Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Relationship Advice!

I get dozens of emails a week saying, "Kurt, you seem to make all the right moves with the ladies. What am I doing wrong?" So, I've decided to help you out by highlighting things you need to work on.

  • Pointing to your erection and saying, "The Love Alarm is going off and it's half past boner" will almost always get you kicked out of church.
  • Trying to get a girl to go out with you by proving to her what a good kisser you are by making out with your best male friend in front of her never works. However, if all gender roles are switched and you're a woman trying to get a guy to go out with you, this is the best thing you can do.
  • The first thing you say to a woman when you approach her at a bar should not be, "On the surface you seem like the perfect woman; tell me you take it in the fart box."
  • Your cologne should not be homemade and, specifically, should not include any bits of ground-up meat or gravy.
  • The line on your business card where it says, "I'm going to piss all over you, bitch" is kind of a turn off.
  • Singing songs to your lady is good. Reciting famous suicide notes is not.
  • Honesty is great. "Sometimes I put a thimble on my penis and pretend it's a tiny Nazi." Forget honesty.
  • When your lady is about to see your member for the first time, refrain from saying, "These are my boy parts. You're welcome."
  • "Your vagina smells exactly like my grandma's!" should never come out of your mouth under any circumstances. No matter how true it may be.
  • Flowers are a good gift on a first date. A baby you stole from the hospital, not so much.
  • "My semen is so potent I've been able to impregnate nine different species of animal. Ever seen a half-dolphin, half-man? It's possible. I'm just saying." While impressive, feats of beastiality only impress a very small portion of women.
  • Discussing past relationships is a no-no. "Two years! That's right. Her parents made us stop dating because they felt that two years was not old enough for her to start dating."
  • "Mmm. Delicious." Repeated over and over while a woman is talking to you will not get you laid. Especially when she is talking about how her dog just died.
There you go, World. I hope you have learned from some of your mistakes. I may come back with another installment of this soon since I know you guys have a lot of questions. Feel free to email me with your questions: dontreadthisweblog at gmail dot com. Or leave them in the comment section below.

Interesting thought of the day:
Peter Piper loved alliteration so much that, aside from picking a peck of pickled peppers, he also pummeled pregnant pre-teens and pooped pewter pachyderms.


Potter1 said...

Dear Relationship Advice Guy,

So how do I approach the women at my local vaginal rejuvenation clinic? I just don't know how to talk to them, help?!

eob said...

Are battered women's shelter's really full of deep fried women?

Kurtmakesmelaugh said...

Eyes that can breathe underwater are kind of a turn-on, too.

deleted said...

i like guys who can blow balloons with the hole in the middle of their bellies.

NotCarrie said...

You just made me laugh out loud at work. haha!