Relationship Advice!

I get dozens of emails a week saying, "Kurt, you seem to make all the right moves with the ladies. What am I doing wrong?" So, I've decided to help you out by highlighting things you need to work on.

• Pointing to your erection and saying, "The Love Alarm is going off and it's half past boner" will almost always get you kicked out of church.
• Trying to get a girl to go out with you by proving to her what a good kisser you are by making out with your best male friend in front of her never works. However, if all gender roles are switched and you're a woman trying to get a guy to go out with you, this is the best thing you can do.
• The first thing you say to a woman when you approach her at a bar should not be, "On the surface you seem like the perfect woman; tell me you take it in the fart box."
• Your cologne should not be homemade and, specifically, should not include any bits of ground-up meat or gravy.
• The line on your business card where it says, "I'm going to piss all over you, bitch" is kind of a turn off.
  
• Singing songs to your lady is good. Reciting famous suicide notes is not.
• Honesty is great. "Sometimes I put a thimble on my penis and pretend it's a tiny Nazi." Forget honesty.
• When your lady is about to see your member for the first time, refrain from saying, "These are my boy parts. You're welcome."
• "Your vagina smells exactly like my grandma's!" should never come out of your mouth under any circumstances. No matter how true it may be.
• Flowers are a good gift on a first date. A baby you stole from the hospital, not so much.
• "My semen is so potent I've been able to impregnate nine different species of animal. Ever seen a half-dolphin, half-man? It's possible. I'm just saying." While impressive, feats of beastiality only impress a very small portion of women.
• Discussing past relationships is a no-no. "Two years! That's right. Her parents made us stop dating because they felt that two years was not old enough for her to start dating."
• "Mmm. Delicious." Repeated over and over while a woman is talking to you will not get you laid. Especially when she is talking about how her dog just died.

There you go, World. I hope you have learned from some of your mistakes. I may come back with another installment of this soon since I know you guys have a lot of questions. Feel free to email me with your questions: dontreadthisweblog at gmail dot com. Or leave them in the comment section below.

Interesting thought of the day:
Peter Piper loved alliteration so much that, aside from picking a peck of pickled peppers, he also pummeled pregnant pre-teens and pooped pewter pachyderms.