Monday, September 06, 2004


With the modern age being so fucking moderny, all the shit in the world is getting faster and better and smelling more like caramel than it ever did before. The Drive-Thru is no exception to this rule except for the part about the caramel. It tastes like caramel, but doesn't smell like it--just like my poop.

So, tonight, as I pass by the Jack in the Box drive-thru on my way home from being awesome all night, I see one car in the line and it's sitting at the order window. Cool, I think, I'll be getting out of here fast. There's only two people in that car. Now, this is where I went wrong. I actually thought that something in my life could go right, but my life's like a poster of a kitten covered in water, "It's just one of those days." I pull behind the big car (I'm not good with car names, makes or types, I'm just positive that it was a car because bicycles only have two wheels and only grown Mexican men or the little people I like to call, "My Van Buddies" ride those) and assume this will go quickly. The car pulls away, and I look at the new-age screen that shows your order and, in this case, the order before me and it's at that point I know I'm fucked. How do two people order $22.60 worth of food from Jack in the Box? You know what that comes to? The guy in the drive-thru actually reaches through the window and gives you a hand job with his fist full of french fries. Don't knock it 'til you try it. Now, the thing I don't like about this screen is that I know, if I was in the situation as the fatasses in front of me, and knew the person behind me was seeing I spent that much, I'd try to justify it. I'd lean my head out the window and yell, "It's not all for me. I'm buying a lot of food because I'm giving it to a bunch of babies with jaundice. You probably didn't know that they need nine monster tacos each, but they do. You can look it up, motherfucker. That's called a medical fact."

I also like that screen because it lets me know that they heard me the first goddamn time when I said "No mayonnaise." This way, when I get home and discover the mayonnaise on my chicken sandwich, I'm absolutely justified when I go back to Jack in the Box and poop in their cash register. And that's going to be my excuse when I finally come to trial for it. The news was calling me the Registurder. I hate the people on the news; they're bad with names and not funny at all.

I have Inside the Actor's Studio on in the background right now and Charlize Theron just said she did commercials for Africa that were "anti-rape." I haven't seen all the pro-rape commercials that she's fighting against, so I think she's fighting a battle that doesn't exist. I'm going to come out with my own line of commercials that are anti-eyeball-biting. I'm going to put a stop to all the lobbying I see on TV that promotes the biting of eyeballs. I just get sick of it.

And now, a word from Katie Couric.

Hi. I'm television's Katie Couric. The next time your child wants to play "Eye Spy" with you, bite their eyeballs off their face. That's something you both will learn from.

The More You Know music and swoosh fly across the screen making everybody feel completely smart and enlightened.

To close out this motherfucker, since Inside the Actor's Studio is still on, I want you all to participate in James Lipton's closing questions with me.

What is your favorite word? Douche

What is your least favorite word? Consent

What turns you on? A hairbrush in the colon

What turns you off? Not a hairbrush in the colon

What sound or noise do you love? The sound of somebody lighting Prince on fire (I haven't actually heard this, but it would make me so damn happy).

What sound or noise do you hate? The sound of boiling breast milk burning my scrotum.

What is your favorite curse word? Motherfucking scurvy, bitch! My fucking scurvy is acting up like a motherfucker. You got a motherfucking orange I can eat?

What profession other than yours would you like to participate in? The guy who invented the rubber vagina.

What profession would you absolutely not like to participate in? Fluffer on a porno starring lepers.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say as you arrive at the pearly gates? Fuck cunt shit ass cock snatch bitch whore ass bukkake.

Famous sayings explained:
"Stick in the mud," commonly used to refer to someone or something that hinders a good time, comes from the following. Long ago, like, thirty years or something, a man was running erands for the king or caesar or assistant manager, when he was asked for a strange favor. He was asked to carry a bundle of small pieces of wood from one spot to another while it was raining outside. He had specific directions not to get any of the wood wet and dirty or else he'd pay a great price. So, after working for hours or minutes, the man was almost done when he slipped and fell with one of the pieces of wood landing in a pile of wet dirt. In a panic, the man tried to cover his mistake, but it was too late, for the shiek or mall cop or mayor saw the man's mistake and told him he would now pay the price. He opened a box sitting next to him, pulled out the body of the man's dead grandmother and repeatedly jammed his ever-erect wiener in her balloon knot while yelling out, "What's wrong grandma? Got a stick in the mud?" So, remember, next time something's hindering your fun time, at least your dead grandmother isn't being sodomized in front of you.

Holy crap, that's retarded. But I wrote it and I'll deal with it because I'm way more of an adult than you'll ever be.

1 comment:

jaxun said...

Oh man, I almost lost your blogURL and was about to test the shart-proofing I'd just finished applying to my shorts, when I ran a search on "Registurder" and found you again.

By the way, I found Jesus at the bottom of a tequila bottle. He was hiding in the worm, it turns out.