Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Haircuts and Hairpie!

Alright, so I went to get my haircut today because I saw Scott Baio on a TV show and he changed his hair. As goes the Baio, so, too, go I. Man, that was some Shakespearean-type shit I just dropped on y'all motherfuckas. I'm the oxymoronic juxtapositioner; I'll put a eunuch next to a rape victim.

Anyway, so I went to get my haircut today--which looks awesome and I'm so guaranteed to get the maximum amount of lady this weekend in Vegas--and I got another one of those ladies with a chubby vagina. The weird thing about this phenomenon is that the woman isn't necessarily fat. She's a little thick, but it's like she carries all her weight in her Tuna Canyon Blvd. So, she's leaning over, cutting my hair as a haircutstress should do, and her ladyparts start to poke, ever so slightly, at my arm. It's so awkward because she has to know that she's giving me sweet vagina-kisses on my arm, and I have to pretend it's not happening. I've never been to a strip club before because I think it's weird to pay for stuff like that when I can get it from influential children for free, but it's instinctual, when a vagina is rubbing your arm while you're sitting in a chair soaked in ballsweat, to yell out, "Oh yeah! Bring that shit to papa!" and then punch the woman in the nose. Maybe it's just the way I was brought up, but that's how you're supposed to treat a lady. If chivalry is dying in this day and age, it's the least I can do to try to keep it alive and kicking just a little longer.

The thing that was weirdest about this particular woman's area, was that it was dense, like a goddamn black hole. It felt like an elbow, not a soft, tender babymaker. Maybe she's just really fit down there and it was all muscle and she was flexing--you know, trying to show off for me. So I pulled the apron-thing tight enough to show a little male cameltoe--and they kicked ME out of the place? My "Well she started" defense didn't really hold up when she pulled down her pants to reveal that she, in fact, had a 100 percent robotic hairy hatchet wound made of solid gold. All my questions were answered.

Since I'm going to Vegas this weekend, I want suggestions as to what I should do while I'm there. I'm not going to heed any of this advice unless the advice is to go to sleep early, drink lots of milk and visit all the churches in the downtown area because that's what I'm already planning. This is just my way to get you all to comment again since, apparently, I scared everybody away with my song. I don't really have a retarded girlfriend, idiots; she is very AIDS-y, though.

Interesting thought of the day:
Bronchitis is one of the words that actually sounds like what it means. A word that doesn't do this? Sodomy. It's such a poetic sounding word for something so wretched, vile, and awesome.


whore said...

hey kurtino..haha... you should jump off mgm and tell the stretcher-what-do-you-call-them-ppl to sodomise you because its your last wish and those stretcher-what-do-you-call-them-ppl will definitely do it because... well because they were gonna do it anyway at the back of the ambulance. k. im talkin shit. haf fun kurt

this one girl.... said...

ok, might i add that "whore" (see above) obviously didn't graduate at the top of his/her/it's class.... hmmmm. have fun in vegas. when you visit the churches, let us know how many drag queens are in there!