Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Goodnight, Sweet Prince! Also, My Ass Hurts Again!

I'm going to write this post quickly because my ass hurts. See, I completely destroyed my computer chair. It turns out, I'm a big fucking fatass. After only about nine months or so, I've decimated a perfectly good chair assembled by a Malaysian boy in a sweatshop at 3:30 in the morning. Damn lazy kids.

It all started a few weeks ago when the hydraulics on my chair started to malfunction. Now, I know, calling it hydraulics is a bit far-fetched, but you know what I'm talking about, the little lever that lets me lift my chair to normal adult-feeding height. Plus, I have to call it hydraulics because I bought them in a package deal with my five two-inch spinner rims I put on all my wheels. Slowly but surely the damn chair started falling apart.

One day, I look over and there's a rip in one of the armrests where, apparently, a bear had tried to eat and/or mate with my chair. I could put up with both of these things. My spine had adjusted to sitting two and a half feet below my monitor. I couldn't see the keyboard, but I can type without looking, so that wasn't a big deal.

But, it completely died today when I tilted to the left ever so slightly and the chair suddenly developed Palsy. It then constantly leaned to the left like the heroine addict that hangs out in front of the 7-11. So, being the handyman I am, I took the bastard apart to fix it. When I had it opened, I realized that it was too late and I should announce the time of death. If I had a welding torch and knew any sort of shit about how to weld stuff and didn't have a raging fear of fire like Raymond's fear of water in Rain Man, I would have completely fixed it. But, alas, the chair's torso just stared up at me, its lifeless green eye empty and soulless. This wasn't the chair I once knew. The chair I used to know wouldn't have stood there, he would have commanded me, "Force your ass upon me with all your weight, good sir! For I shall bare the brunt of your posterior until the day I die!" Well old boy, today's the day.

Today's the day.

I miss my loyal, British-accent-having chair.

Interesting thought of the day:
Do deaf people ever hear God speak to them? No. Because the lazy bastard took Latin instead of Sign Language when he was in college.

1 comment:

Kurt said...

I'm just checking to make sure comments still work and nobody's commenting because they've decided they don't give a flying fuck about my broken chair and sore ass.