Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Accidental Pedophilia--Intentional Hilarity!

On the way to Vegas on Friday afternoon, there were six of us riding in some big vehicle. I'm not good with car makes or models, so I won't even pretend to try to give the actual name of what it was. Well, we hit a shitload of traffic like it was 1985 and Vegas was selling Cabbage Patch Kids for $1.00.

There are certain people, in this situation, that one chooses to keep an eye on. There was the man from Argentina who we saw inside the Del Taco in Baker (or Barstow--one has the world's largest thermometer, the other has the Dairy Queen, but I get them confused) who screamed at one of the guys I went with, "We beat you in basket!" We're assuming that this meant that his country beat our country in basketball in the Olympics. I'm assuming this after doing a google search for "Argentina defeats US in basket" and coming up empty. Then there was the bitch in the Audi who, in five-mile-an-hour traffic, was riding people's tails like she was a puppy fucking another with a knot in her cock. She just wouldn't get off.

Finally, there was this beat up old car (again, sorry I'm bad with car types, but it was blue, does that help?) that you could tell didn't have air conditioner that had two adults in the front two seats and two german shepherds and a young girl, probably five or thirteen, in the backseat. The dogs were pacing in what little room they had in the Vegas heat and the little girl was sipping some sort of beverage. We all made note of the shitty situation for the girl in the back and one of the guys I was with says, "She's pulling hair from her cup." This sounds innocent enough. But, when you're a sick-ass sonofabitch like I am, it comes out, "She's pulling hair from her cunt." I immediately started laughing and trying to stave off a monster erection that had to be just around the corner. When asked from other people in the car why I was laughing so hard, I was puzzled. Had I accidentally agreed to ride to Vegas with a truck/SUV-ful of pedophiles and not known it? The word 'cunt' is horrible enough, but to use it to reference the young girl's area, it was too much to take. Even I, who fake pedophilia occasionally, couldn't help but laugh at the harshness of what he said. When I reiterated to the other five in the truck why I was laughing, all of a sudden, I'm the sicko? Fuck those guys; they're the ones who said it. It didn't even make sense. Why would a young girl trapped in the backseat of a car in hundred-degree weather with two huge dogs be pulling hair from her prepubescent no-no spot? Then, it dawned on me that I had misheard what he had said and I was forced by the other five guys to immediately register as a sex offender for even thinking of what I didn't actually hear.

Well, technically, today (the 14th) is my birthday. I'm a year older and still, at age 26, unable to grow a full beard. It's sad when you think about it. When I was younger, I was sure that by my age I'd be able to grow a full beard, pee at a urinal like the grown-ups without having to pull my pants all the way to my ankles, and I would have, at least once, known the ultimate pleasure of meeting the blonde chick from The Wonder Years who says, "Would You Like Some Butter" in French. Sadly, none of these things have come to fruition.

Interesting thought of the day:
"Four score and seven years ago," in olden times, was what people used to say instead of "Many moons ago, bitches!" Sure, only my Native American friend, Busts Caps In Y'all Motherfuckas, who's in the only gang openly recruiting Cherokee, says stuff like that, but that doesn't make it any less true. Stop judging me.

I'll rape the great grandchildren of anybody who posts a comment and doesn't wish me a fucking happy birthday.


theFrog said...

happy fucking birthday

is that good for you?

this one girl.... said...

happy freakin' birthday!! i must say, i was a little disappointed at your lack of interaction with midgets while in vegas. don't you know that they are the perfect height for oral interaction? or is that where you got the genital warts..... well, anyway, happy birthday :)

Anonymous said...

happy birthday, granda will be disappointed.

Jimbo the Angry Clown said...

Happy B-Day Toon!

Just for the record, we were in a Sequoia. The woman humping the other cars like a puppy was driving a Mercedes. And the girl pulling a hair from her CUP was in a blue Chevy Cavalier (I might be making up the last one, it's hard to remember anything except your girlish giggling when you thought you heard someone say she was pulling hair from her cunt)

fg said...

that thermometer is in baker.