Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Charles in Charge of You, Beeeotch!

Though I've written about The Baio in the past, I haven't gone into enough detail as to why I shall, now and forever, worship the ground on which he charges.

See, as some of you may or may not be aware, this young man began his rise to superstardom on the television show Happy Days. This was a show about hippies who dressed up like they were from the Fifties because they were on acid all the time. The bald guy who directed How the Grinch Stole Christmas was in it before he was bald, and the gay guy from The Waterboy was in it before he was gay and when he was really cool and probably beat up gay people (not so cool, but it can be forgiven by looking at his awesome leather jacket).

Anyway, there was this sparkplug of a man-child named Scott Baio who wore a bandana better than Bruce Springsteen or a gaggle (the actual, scientific term for a group) of bikers. He romanced the ladies with his prepubescent charm and won the heart of one Joanie (Erin Moran--the sad part, I didn't even have to look up her real name). As a side note, while searching google for pictures of a young Scott Baio, it's nigh impossible to find one of him with a shirt on. So, instead, you get a picture of the VHS cover of the film, Zapped, starring Scott and lifelong buddy, Willie "Bibleman" Aames.

After his turn as lover of Joanie in the spinoff of Happy Days, he went on to star in two incarnations of one of the--if not the--greatest television shows ever made. The reason for his status to near-deity, is because of his ability to balance his own pedophilic urges (sure, maybe I made the word pedophilic up just now, but you know what I'm talking about, so fuck you and your high-and-mighty attitude) with the homoerotic undertones that surged through his relationship with Buddy (the aforementioned Willie "Bibleman" Aames). I'm a sucker for parentheticals. Jesus Christ. I get more sidetracked than a necrophiliac with a gift certificate at the morgue. I'm not even sure what that means. In one episode, Charles could go from reprimanding Lila for making fun of Douglas by punching her in the cervix, to making out with Buddy on the couch in a sorority house after the commercial break. Sure, I was on medication to stop my hyperactivity when I was younger that had a few side effects, so these things may not have been exactly as I say here. But, there are two things I am sure about: 1) Charles constantly spit fire at the Pembrokes and the Powells and 2) It was wrong of me to take a dump on the TV in front of my grandparents.

This was a fun entry. I don't think any of it made sense and that's the way I like it.

Interesting thought of the day:
Pubic lice (crabs) are a lot like regular lice except they really like cock.

1 comment:

this one girl.... said...

ralph macchio is better.... daniel-son!!!