Friday, September 17, 2004

Not Another Good Movie!

Kim Basinger and the guy from Not Another Teen Movie joined forces to create a hilarious film called Cellular which I had the distinguished pleasure of witnessing tonight. The director managed to do something which isn't done enough, which is making a movie so bad that it's funny. It seemed like he learned all these "cool tricks" in film school that he had to use as much as possible no matter what. There were a lot of camera movements that were as unexpected as a fart that brings a little liquid luggage along with it. The worst part, though, was that every movie cliche ever made was in the film. They're too numerous to name one by one, but, needless to say, the scene where the policeman who's just about to retire, but decides he has one last thing to do--that's in there.

The most heartbreaking thing about the film is that it was a decent idea (like the movie Birth I saw a preview for--awesome idea), but it was so full of contrivances--down to the idea that the kidnappers would leave a working phone line, albeit smashed phone, in the room where Kim Basinger was--that it made me want to burn everbody involved with the film alive. I don't have anything particularly funny to say about the film without ruining it, except to say that you really should go see it, but go knowing that it sucks so bad it's good.

The best part of the night was after the movie, in the parking lot, as I'm about to back out I see a young boy and girl standing at their respective cars in that awkward is-he-going-to-try-to-kiss-me?/I-wonder-what-her-cervix-feels-like moment. I laughed in my car as I watched the guy squirm and gesticulate in all his glory as he tried to figure out just what to do. I left before they did anything, but not without stickying up my steering wheel and ruining another gear shift knob.

Boring entry tonight; pretend that I used the phrase "Walrus chewing on a sack of boogers" a lot.

Made-up aphorism of the day:
Humanity is like a box of Crayolas. If you buy enough, it comes with a free crayon sharpener.

No comments: