The Vodka-Spewing Tornado
No, this isn't the nickname for the whore in your English Lit class that you saw going down on two guys at once at a frat party. I'm talking about Hurricane Ivan in all its glory. Is it wrong that I thoroughly enjoy the fact that the Southeastern United States is having its ass beaten by three consecutive hurricanes? The best part about this is that Charley and Frances, the previous two hurricanes, did so much damage and have the gayest names. First, Charley came in with his baby-tee and handbag and softened Florida up. Then, Hurricane "Don't Call Me Frank" Frances removed his fannypack and choked the shit out of what was left. Now, their butch friend, Ivan, is here to make sure that "that punk-ass bitch, Florida, don't go talking no shit behind their backs no more."
To anybody that may have died in Charley, I feel bad for you. To anybody that died in Frances, you were warned. To anybody that dies in Ivan, you deserve it and I hope you enjoy your nightly soul-rapings in the bowels of Hell for the next thousand years. Seriously, anybody who doesn't get out of Florida in a timely manner this time better be completely paralyzed, dead, or absolutely retarded--or some combination of those three. It would suck if somebody left their paraplegic, retarded son outside, chained to the porch during the hurricane, but I'm not saying I wouldn't want the video.
I'm not writing a lot today. Except, if you're the brunette girl who worked at Honolulu Harry's in Corona tonight, and, by some miracle of miracles, you read this, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you. She looked like an elf and an angel had a baby made of clouds, candy, and rainbows. I wanted to cut her head off and take it home with me, she was so pretty. Maybe that's why I'm not allowed to cut off girls' heads anymore; I just get carried away.
Interesting thought of the day:
If you punch a kitten in the face enough times, it eventually stops being cute.
2 comments:
Hey, don't get me wrong, no one thinks less of Florida than me. Observe... http://scamboogah.blogspot.com/2004/09/guest-columnist-patton-oswalt.html
But even Florida might lose a suck-war with Corona. I don't care how hot that girl is. Even if she instantly gives all that look upon her a boner so huge that your back snaps in half, you still couldn't get me to go to Corona ever. Sure, it's not as bad as Temecula or Rialto, but that's kind of like saying taking a rhinocerous cock in your mouth is better than up the ass...
Completely unrelated to the topic at hand:
That's some mighty fine template choosing you've done. The new look is definitely an improvement on the last template. :)
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