Thursday, September 16, 2004

Surprisingly, Roy Tasted Like Bratwurst!

Tonight on NBC, Maria "Skeletor" Shriver interviewed Siegfried and Roy. The majority of the interview consisted of recreating, with creepy computer graphics that made Roy look like Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man, the incident where Roy lost half his head and his pure, Aryan bloodline was tainted by the mouth of a tiger. Even though he's a "white" tiger, Montecore is actually half-Jewish. His agent didn't want him to use his last name, Greenberg, for fear that it would hinder his getting a gig with the dazzling duo.

The thing is, Roy is so fucked up now. Nobody should be allowed to make fun of him. He's like this girl I met one time in junior high who fell off a damn horse and, at age 14, had to relearn everything. A side note: She apparently hadn't relearned the old "Put this in your mouth and count to ten" trick. I'll take it how I can get it.

It's weird though, because it's hard enough to understand Siegfried and he hasn't had a stroke (other than the pre-attack ones on his "magic wand" from Roy). But listening to Roy is like trying to understand Muhammad Ali underwater.

The strangest thing of all is that, when somebody goes through something that almost kills them and fucks them up for life, a lot of the time they end up "finding God." As somebody who'd sooner believe that a fucking dragon lives at the center of the earth and he's made of cotton candy, than the idea that God exists, perhaps I'm biased, but I just can't understand this. If I got completely fucked up--paralyzed, castrated, or had to go through life as that kid in class who always smelled like poop--I'd believe less and less that there was a God. If I couldn't control when I shat (past tense of to shit) and I had a tube pulling the urine from the tiny penis that the Lord bestowed upon me, the last thought through my head would be, Jesus loves me! But, somehow, like the magic he so loved to practice before the tiger-induced stroke made his eyes look like Shannon Doherty's, Roy found God on the operating table when they were pulling eight-pound teeth from his neck.

I hope that cheered everybody up today. I know I feel much better.

Interesting thought of the day:
If a person in front of you has a lot of groceries and you have very little, just say to the person, "You don't know what gets bloodstains out of Barbie Doll hair, do you? By the way, I'm in a huge rush, do you think there's any way I can go ahead of you? I hate waiting almost as much as I hate mandatory visitation." Odds are, you'll get to buy your spaghetti sauce and People Magazine much sooner.

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