Monday, September 20, 2004

Yarrrr! Organized Crime Rapes and Pillages Emmy's!

Since National Talk Like a Pirate Day has fallen on the same day as the 56th Annual Emmy Awards, it only makes sense that the Emmy's are viewed through the eyes (or, eye, if you're me, Captain "2-D" Dudley) of one waterlogged pirate.

I punched a few of thar buttons on the magic stick and pointed it toward the picture box in front of me at eight o'clock in the evening. Apparently, I was watching something from deep in the past as thar be a message along the bottom of the screen that I had me mate, Cutthroat Leonard (yes, his name's Leonard--he's sensitive about it. Poor bastard wasn't born with a true pirate's name like Dudley), read it to me. He informed me that, since we had just arrived fresh from the burning seas of the Pacific, that we were not allowed to watch events as they happened, but, instead, we were forced to see things that people had already seen who docked their ships in the Atlantic.

I was tempted right then and there to disembowel somebody with me hook (which makes this whole "typing" thing quite difficult) since nobody but nobody should get the news before I's gets the news. But, I thought better of it and poured beer all over a wench instead since that's what we pirates do. We pour beer on women and eat turkey legs all day long.

One of the first bloody faces I see is one of a man who has a mouth like the port hole of our cabin boy. I half expected a fresh, brown sea log to squeeze from his puckering lips. When that didn't happen, I knew I was just looking at a man uglier than my father--a man so ugly he sank his first ship at age 19 just by cracking a smile at it. Legend has it that the boat so feared how he looked, that it disappeared into the abyss before he could board it. To this day, if you utter the name "Rocky Dennis" at a plank of wood, you can actually hear it scream.

Thar be lots of women too skinny for a sound raping in the audience. I's be afraid that if I struck some of them with me scabbard, they'd split in twine *wink*. Yarr! Sure I'm a pirate, but even I can't help but love writing a word like *wink*, *smile*, or LOL. They're so communicative in writing that I believe I shall put them on me next treasure map. "X Marks the Spot ;)" Avas! No one can ever figure out me newly found code. None but the dreaded code-figurer-outer Stephen "Walks No Plank" Hawking. But, me cohorts, I digress. One lass, a Lara Flynn Boyle, would have easily been swallowed by the hole in the tip of mine own cannon if you know what I'm saying. Us pirates aren't that great with innuendo, but I have a feeling you know what I mean. Ms. Boyle's face is much like me Skull and Crossbones sailing high above me ship, The S.S. Bootyhunter.

It's good to see that not everybody forgot about our blessed day. One wench, Drea de Matteo, kept the pirate tradition alive by wearing a blouse commemorating us seafarers. Even though she never actually mentioned it, I can't help but think, by the way she wields yon award and has tainted her flesh with the ink of man, that she is one of us. Thar be a button on this screen called Adobe Photoshop and, using its magic, I have confirmed that she is, in fact, one of us. She has cunningly rearranged the spacing of her name to conceal her identity, but I have found her out. She is the much feared Spanish pirate Dread Ematteo. Behold! My sworn enemy she is. Talk like Yoda us pirates do on occasion. Deal with it, you will.

Much to my surprise and, dare I say it, joy, the scurvy seadogs at the Academy gave an award to a show, Arrested Development, that's actually good. A pirate can only see Frasier win so many times before he makes a trip down to the island of Television Arrrrrts and Sciences and makes everybody walk the plank. But, since they've made me happy, I'll give them the little-used and never-discussed pirate's prostate milking. People always talk about the bad things us pirates do, but they never discuss the good things. But, since ye asked, I'll have you know that I, along with my shipmates, have donated five percent of our booty (and that's AFTER taxes) to a local hospital for treatment of scurvy.

Yarrr! I'm done writing about the Emmy's. They're more boring than raping a wench ye have raped before.

Pirate adage of the day:
Ye can only trust two things in this world: your parrot and your ship. And, I fucked your mother.

Pirates are weird.

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