Friday, September 03, 2004

Ladies Love Cool James

Time and again, I get questions from my readers, "Kurt, you seem to have the women flocking to you, how do you do it?" Well, anonymous and completely fictional reader, I'll tell you how.

But first, are you tired of those messy shitstains on the back of your pants or the front if you put them on backwards or shit out of your belly button (or maybe you have the very rare "ass-cock syndrome"--not to be confused with "ascot syndrome" which causes people to wear really gay-looking scarves)? Well, if you are tired of those unsightly poopstains, don't forget to try this new product from the makers of "The Peedazzler" and "The Semen Demon." It's called "A Sweatshirt©." With this device, made of space-age polymers and created in NASA's labs, you can hide those embarrassing splotches in seconds. With the twist of some cloth, this "clothing from the future"--disguised as something you can wear over a shirt without much notice--can help out even the most incontinent person (I'm talking to you Laura "Volcano-Ass" Bush). Imagine saving yourself the humiliation of messy pants with the flip of a shirt. Could life get any better? Only if your wife decided she loved you again and your kids stopped telling you they wished you were dead.

For only four easy payments of $99.99 or one payment of $1000, this "Sweatshirt©" can be yours.
The best part about it is that you won't stick out and nobody will know you're wearing one of our "Sweatshirts©" because of your unbelievable inability to control the stool dripping from that hula hoop you call an anus.

We also have "Sweatshirts©" available for women who have experienced a sudden visit from their Aunt Flo. That means they're on their period. This inconspicuous sweatshirt can be seen here.

If you buy now, you will receive a free "Toothbrush©" for those situations when your years of smoking crack need a little covering up because CPS is knocking on your door. And, if you call within the next ten minutes, we'll send you our brand new "Box©." With this handy device, you can store things, move them around, or even sit on it. Its many uses haven't even been discovered by our scientists or by the team of monkeys and Cuban refugees we drug and make play with our products to make sure children won't die because of us.

If you'd like to order a "Sweatshirt©" you can go to The Official Website, or call our toll free number at 1-800-784-2433.

Well, looks like we're out of time. For all my love tips, you'll have to tune in next time or kill yourself because, really, nobody will ever love you.

Interesting thought of the day:
One day, I'm going to open up a place that teaches self-defense but also serves delicious bagels; I'll call it Tae-Kwan-Dough. Or, maybe I'll sell warm, tasty, flavored beverages instead of bagels and call it KaraTea. Never mind. Instead, I'm going to hang myself with my 25-year-old umbilical cord I've been saving in a jar filled with mayonnaise for having written those horrible, horrible puns.

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