Today, while being sworn in by a man who looked like the guy in the room with the Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, re-elected President George W. Bush yelled excitedly to wife, Laura, "You know, Sweetheart, I asked God last night, and he said that this means I'm Jesus Part Two. That makes me like the old Jesus, but better. Kind of like how X-2 was way better than X-Men 1. That's me. I'm the new X-Men." He then giggled and used his hands like Wolverine's claws until Chief Justice William "Wild Bill" Rehnquist slapped him across the face.
In his speech, President Bush went on to speak vaguely about how liberty is doing something in a positive motion somewhere in the world. He talked like this a lot. It was like a template that he found on Microsoft Word that was specifically geared toward Inaugural speeches.
"America will not pretend that...women welcome humiliation...or that any human being aspires to live at the mercy of bullies," Bush said. This was followed by a Girls Gone Wild commercial and then Sean Hannity yelling at Democrats to quit whining because they lost.
As you can see in the picture on the left, Bush read his speech from a folder which contained various notes and index cards. I've managed to find what the cover of this folder looks like. There's a rumor that at one of the Balls tonight, Bush is going to enter riding in the original General Lee.
Needless to say, these next four years look like they're going to be just as awesome as the previous four. I heard that they're starting a program where for every one hundred people you recruit to go fight in the Iraq war, you can win a free XBox. It's like selling Girl Scout Cookies but instead of making people fat, you're making them dead. Count me in. I'm going to try to win the family four pack to Disneyworld.
On a side note, I just heard Bill O'Reilly say, "I'll tell you what's going on in these big balls." I promise you that's almost a direct quote from one of those phone sex tapes that the woman suing him had.
Sunday, January 23, 2005