Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Womb Raider!

If it takes me until my dying breath, so help me god, Angelina Jolie will pay for what she has supposedly done to my Jen and Brad. I've had a couple of days to clear my head on this subject and have decided to refocus my anger away from these two and focus it on who is really to blame.

To quote the USA Today article on the breakup, "the shockwaves surrounding the separation of Hollywood's golden couple continue[s] to reverberate in the entertainment world."

Shockwaves is right. In fact, that's probably too mild a turn-of-phrase. I don't believe that I'm being overdramatic if I say that this breakup--this catastrophe--will have reverberations that will still be felt by my children's children's children. Angelina Jolie will be hailed as the Antichrist that ushered in the Apocalypse. For years people made predictions on who it would be. Some said Hitler, Stalin, The Pope, George W. Bush. But they were all oh so wrong. That goddamn floozy--oh, I said it--floozy, Angelina Jolie has taken the single, solitary ray of light in Hollywood and turned it into, dare I say, a tsunami of negative energy that has swept over Southern California and the world. Speaking of tsunamis, it's a good thing that the local news has decided to forego discussing the latest breaking news where over 120,000 people have died in lieu of updating us on who will be getting custody of their Golden Retriever, Madeline. Dead Asian people or letting me know whether or not Angelina Jolie may have had a hand in this other, more important, disaster? When it's written down in front of you, it all seems so trivial, doesn't it? Those dead Asian people don't make movies like Leprechaun or Picture Perfect. Frankly, I'll be perfectly content if I don't have to hear another sad story about how some little Chinese kid almost drown when the water went all the way up to his ankles. Give me a break.

We have water here in Southern California, too, people. That's right. And it's not just on the ground, but it's coming from the sky also. And you know how many people have died here because of it? Three. It's Darwinism at its finest, baby. Just goes to show you who is more adept at handling the water and it looks like us Americans win huge. It's strange, too, because you Asian people are so good at diving in the water at the Olympics, but once the water starts moving around you just a little bit, everything goes to Hell.

I've got the news on around the clock here just hoping I'll hear some more news about my Brad and Jen. If something's not done soon, I think I may have to take things into my own hands about Angelina Jolie. I know that once she's out of the picture all will be right with the world again. The terrorists are winning right now. Don't you see that? And Angelina Jolie is one of them. She has metaphorically beheaded that which concerns us the most and we must not tolerate it. You know how those terrorists love to work in metaphors, symbolism, and allegory. They're huge Lewis Carroll fans. Allah, hu akbar! Allah, hu akbar! Allah, hu akbar!

I wonder if that's going to put me on any terrorist watch lists. I've always wanted to have something in common with Cat Stevens other than the way we play some kick-ass licks on the old axe.

Job hunting tip of the day:
Don't start a follow-up call by saying, "Hi. I was wondering if you all have private toilets at your establishment because I really can't go number two if you don't have doors that go all the way to the floor."


Anonymous said...

Brilliantly expressed, clever, insightful commentary! Really! I saw that no one had commented and found Jesus. Jesus found me, and I commented. Don't blaspheme God over the breakup though! You are to insightful for that! Angelina Jolie may be a part of ushering in the Apocalypse(You really are insightful), but you see, well, I don't need to say it, I think you get the idea. Brilliant writting!

At a Glance said...

I really hope your life isn't completely ruined by the separation of Brad and Jen... and that you aren't serious about being this traumatized, it can't be healthy. Ok, here's your comment, don't eat puppies.

Anonymous said...

Usually I appreciate and enjoy your writing, however, this entry is just too far gone for even me to stomach. As someone who witnessed the tsunami first hand, I really do think you've taken this too far.

Stick to what you're good at, flame bush.

Drew said...

Don't listen to 'em! It's not blaspheming God to point out that he's a rim-jobbing a-hole cocksucker for letting Brad and Jen break up.

And don't let anyone cut your balls off when it comes to "It's too soon" humor. If you give the 'don't really care for jokes' crowd an inch, they'll stomp all over your sense of humor like a Simi Valley drug bust. Start listening to these churchies and the next thing you know, your dream of writing for Jay Leno will be realized and you'll be telling a fellow writer that it's not Ok to say 'poopie' on a show where 2 children might be watching.

Besides, if people didn't want Tsunamis to be made fun of, they would've given them a more serious sounding name, like Aids-waves. Now THAT'S offensive!

Anonymous said...

all i can say is PLEASE!!!!

Carl Click said...

well, i personally thought it was funny, and honestly who else matters?

Anonymous said...

Given the context of Angelina Jolie's role in this, I have to dispute you calling her the Antichrist. I firmly believe that she's nothing more than the Whore of Babylon, and if this account here doesn't prove it, I don't know what does: Revelation 17:3-6

Then the angel carried me away in the Spirit into a desert. There I saw a woman sitting on a scarlet beast that was covered with blasphemous names and had seven heads and ten horns. The woman was dressed in purple and scarlet, and was glittering with gold, precious stones and pearls. She held a golden cup in her hand, filled with abominable things and the filth of her adulteries. This title was written on her forehead: MYSTERY BABYLON THE GREAT THE MOTHER OF PROSTITUTES AND OF THE ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. I saw that the woman was drunk with the blood of the saints, the blood of those who bore testimony to Jesus.

Incidentally, this account also accurately describes most of the actresses in Holywood, and if not for the gender requirement, would describe you pretty well too, Kurt.

Remember, god hates us all equally, it's not like it's personal or anything.