"Jane Roe" Sues Uterus

In a stunning turn of events, Norma McCorvey, once known as "Jane Roe" in the landmark Roe Versus Wade abortion case and in the less renowned Roe Versus Predator action film, has decided, 32 years later, that she wants people to do as she says, not as she does.

The issue resurfaced when a 5th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge and MENSA scholar, Edith H. Jones, found that "new medical evidence may well show undue harm to a mother and her fetus."

Apparently it's news to McCorvey and this judge that an abortion actually kills the fetus. They had both been under the assumption that abortion was a German word meaning "baby shrinker."

Because of the new interest in the 32-year-old case, even older laws are looking to get in on the publicity. Thanks to having Bush in the White House and a Republican House and Senate, prohibition may see its way back into the books, women's suffrage will go the way of the abortion, and bicycles with giant wheels will be all the rage.

And, if Bush gets his way, the entire starting lineup of the Miami Heat will be working for the White House for free, forever.

"Shaquille O'Neal? I don't like that name. Your new name will be...Toby."