Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The Future Is Here!

I recently discovered what is probably the greatest invention of the 20th Century (so that puts me a few years behind--pretend I'm from the Midwest). I'm talking, of course, about Voice Recognition Software. It makes me truly believe that we're living in the society that they showed in The Jetsons and Back to the Future (the one with the Hoverboard and Elijah Wood).

I have decided to demonstrate this technology for you by having this program transcribe, perfectly, the lyrics to the Spice Girls' "Wannabe."

Yell up to you and I want to read and when I really really want
So tell you what you wanted to really really want
Until you what I want when I really really want
So, in which along with two really really want
But one out of mana of one of a wanna I wanna really
Could have really really wanna zigazig caught

In your view to Yemen S.
In doing in the meta name bass
No go wasting the precious time
Contracts and other we can be just fine

But they wouldn’t want whether a really want
Tsukamoto which really want
But wanna I wanna have one on one on one
a really really really one is a is a top

If you wanted the memory that the equipment friends
Make us forever French and never ends
If you are the men of the above to give
Taking is to be easy but that’s the eight these

Of all the words for the program to understand, it actually got "zigazig" once. To quote Kip from Napoleon Dynamite, "Yes, I love technology, but not as much as you, you see."

I bought a book that arrived today that may help me find a writing job, or at least score some more gigs (that's what they say in the business, I think it means cocaine). It lists a slew of places to send freelance work or query letters. It turns out, though, that there are a whole Hell of a lot of magazines that cover topics that I know nothing about. That's why I've decided to start a new segment where I write a completely inappropriate query letter to a company I have no business trying to work for. And not because I ended the last two sentences with a preposition and I don't care.

Today's letter will be sent to Miniature Donkey Talk. This magazine covers exactly what it sounds like, "miniature donkeys or donkeys, with articles on healthcare, promotion, and management of donkeys for owners, breeders, or donkey lovers."

Dear Ms. Gross,

Your magazine, Miniature Donkey Talk, has recently come to my attention through a friend and greatly interests me. I am a freelance writer specializing in humorous anecdotes about tiny equine creatures. Some people say that this is a niche category to fall in, but why hide my natural talent?

I would like for the following to be considered as filler for your magazine, or as the basis for a comic strip.

Completely made-up miniature donkey fact:
It takes five miniature donkeys to beat up one regular donkey.

Completely made-up miniature donkey fact:
Miniature donkeys have to shop in the young donkey section of the clothing store.

Completely made-up miniature donkey fact:
Contrary to their appearance, not all miniature donkeys are tiny Republicans.

Completely made-up miniature donkey fact:
Miniature donkeys are filled with miniature candy.

I look forward to hearing from you.


This guy.

For the next installment of "Kurt Writes a Query Letter to a Company He Has No Business Trying to Write For," somebody needs to pick a number between 421 and 819 and specify top, middle, or bottom. I just sent the letter off, wonder if I'll even hear back.

Interesting thought of the day:
Glass of diarrhea.


deleted said...

wahahahhahahahhahahah... that patrick is damn funny.. 696.. theres this magazine called.. pencils boxes of today..

theFrog said...

Damn - someone already picked the number... but I notice he didn't pick the position, so I'm gonna be all kinds of presumptuous and pick it for you!

You, dear sir, are definitely a "bottom" kind of guy.

deleted said...

tiralle!!! im a girl!!! not a he... haha.. funnay