Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Videogames Don't Kill People, Videogames Have Sex With Them!

On the heels of the "Hot Coffee" mod for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas in which, it turns out, the player can control the pelvic thrust of a fully-clothed, ninth grade dry hump session, an investigation into Rockstar, the company who produces the game, has been initiated by Congress.

Almost everybody knows the story, but if you don't, Grand Theft Auto is a game where the player can carjack and murder (with a number of objects: cars, lead pipes, chainsaws, the stink eye) anybody from random strangers on the streets to police officers. The game was released in the U.S. with an M (Mature: 17+) rating. But, since it turns out that there is PG-13 style, simulated, virtual, under the shirt-, over the bra-type sex in the game, the rating has been changed to AO (Adults Only--thus getting it removed from major store shelves everywhere, but not from my heart).

Congress's investigation will probably take down Rockstar because their new game, due out just in time for Christmas, is sure to throw out some red flags.

In Womb Raider, you are a man shrunk down and injected into his girlfriend, much like in the 1987 Meg Ryan smash hit Innerspace, except your job is to murder your unborn baby instead of try to make Martin Short seem funny. You just can't have a kid right now; work at Office Depot is much too hectic. Plus, babies are dumb and can't even speak English.

You have a range of weapons at your disposal: the tried and true shotgun, the flamethrower, grenades, a coat hanger, the new "SIDS gun," and much more.

The environment is very open-ended (pun intended!). The player can unlock hidden areas like the anus (where, on a hilarious side note, once you reach it, the character says they should have probably "come here" in the first place), the esophagus (again he says it here and it's still just as, if not even more, hilarious), and Las Vegas!

During its investigation of this game, Congress found nothing objectionable to report up to this point. Rockstar was in the clear. That is, until they came across a series of videos when it flashes back to the how the baby was made. It shows the man chasing the woman, then, in a Scooby Doo-esque twist, the woman chasing the man, and, finally, the conception of the child. The representative watching the video was visibly shaken and had to be taken out on a gurney.

Below you'll see exactly what it was that sent this man into a tizzy--an actual tizzy. One hasn't been reported since the turn of the Twentieth Century when a woman saw her husband fall off of his bicycle with a giant front wheel, but that record stands no longer.

Warning: These images are graphic. Don't say you haven't been warned.

Needless to say, the graphic depiction of familial relations is more than anybody over sixteen years old could possibly handle. Killing unborn babies with a rusty boxcutter is one thing, but bumping virtual uglies? Heinous. It's unbelievable that Rockstar thought that they could put this in the final version of the game (not even hiding it well like they did with "Hot Coffee") and not have people up in arms.

I, for one, am glad that Congress has been devoting so much time to protecting the youth of America from dangers such as videogames and baseball players with too many muscles, because I wasn't ready to bring a child of my own into this world with things in such disarray. Now, however, I can get married, have a baby, and take my family on a vacation to Iraq like I've always wanted since, apparently, things are all better over there.

Rockstar, in order to appease Congress and have their game released with only an M rating, has decided to cut the sex scene and change the baby into a mentally handicapped one, thus, no doubt earning the approval of Congress and George W. Bush. Because we all know how much he loves to kill him some retards.


Drew said...

I love 'SIDS' gun.

Molly said...

I was also amused.