Monday, August 01, 2005

Wedding Crasher!

I hate weddings. It's not because I get all choked up and start crying when the bride and groom say I do and then drink the chalices filled with goat's blood and Nestle Quik. I think it's because I hate all the pomp and circumstance generated over these two people I don't know very well for something that has better than a 50% chance of not lasting.

If you couldn't tell, I had to go to one over the weekend. There were some highlights, though. The groom's dad decided that it would be a touching gesture to sing at his son's wedding. And, perhaps it would have been a touching gesture if it wasn't so goddamn hilarious. After the bride and groom exchanged rings, vows, and strains of HIV in front of everybody, the dad stepped up to the mic and knocked "The Keeper of the Stars" out of the proverbial box. From the get-go he was offkey and there was no turning back. I looked around to other people I knew at the wedding to make sure that I wasn't out of line to find this funny and, sure enough, we were all laughing. That's right. Laughing. That's what a horrible human being I am. Here I was at the "happiest" moment of these people's lives and I can't help but think about how awful this guy sounds. It didn't help that the song itself was a horribly cheesy song that I hadn't heard before, so I had to soak in the shitty singing along with the shitty lyrics. It was like an Oreo milkshake, except instead of a delicious blend of Oreos and ice cream it was shit and crap.

If I ever get married, there is no way that I'm having a big wedding. I just don't understand any of it. Why would somebody want to spend all that money on a wedding when they could use it as a down payment on a house or that Korean worker boy you've been wanting to buy? When I tell people this, they always say, "Well, your wife is going to want a big wedding." But no wife of mine is going to want to get married in front of a bunch of people when she has two black eyes. Problem solved. See? Spousal abuse DOES solve problems.

On another note, go see the movie Sky High. I'm not kidding. It was much more sarcastic than you'd think a Disney movie would be. Plus, it had one of the most cleverly written (or acted) lines I've seen in any movie. I'll write it out and it will give you the gist of the tone of the movie.

Kurt Russel (he's a famous superhero in the movie), says to his ex-sidekick Dave Foley, who is now a teacher at the school, after the day has been saved: "Whatever you're teaching them, keep teaching them...it."

And then he walks away. Maybe it doesn't seem funny in print, but, trust me, it perfectly encapsulates the cheese mixed with sarcasm. It does have some excessively cheesy parts and the movie itself is ridiculously formulaic, but there is more than enough in the movie to actually entertain a person with as dark a soul as myself. And, trust me, my soul is dark. It's dark like when black people are so dark that they're purple and it looks like it hurts to be that black.

Interesting thought of the day:
If I ever find a dead body of an old lady, I'm going to put a "Mustache Rides: $5" shirt on her and sit her on the sidewalk in Vegas.

2 comments:

deleted said...

KURt. why the hell did you change your display picture!!

deleted said...

your picture looked way more retarded!