Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Do the Truffle Shuffle!

Since I thoroughly enjoyed writing about the awesomeness that is The Karate Kid last week, I've decided to make it a semi-regular thing (whenever the hell I feel like it) to write about the 80s movies that molded me into the (awful, uncaring, borderline-sociopathic, perverted, necrophilia-obsessed, and, above all, classy!)man I am.

If you can't guess what film I'm talking about based on the title of this post or the picture, then you should probably just stop reading right now. The nerd boner I get over this movie is so huge that it actually emits high-pitched noises that sound remarkably similar to whale calls. In fact, if I'm in the water at the beach (which would never happen anyway, but I'll get into that at a later time), and you start talking to me about The Goonies, at least one whale will beach itself before my geekrection can be quelled.

The reasons I enjoy The Goonies are numerous. Therefore, I will make a list of the elements which help to make it one of the perfect movies:

  • Pirates (this alone makes almost any movie except for Cutthroat Island an instant classic)
  • A fat kid jiggling his belly.
  • It's one of the few Corey Feldman movies that I can watch without wishing he took a coat hanger to the throat in his eighth month in the womb. Dream a Little Dream is the antithesis of The Goonies in this aspect.
  • More than one Cyndi Lauper song on the soundtrack.
  • A droopy-eyed monster (I feel I have to clarify this by saying that, no, Shannon Doherty is not in this movie. I'm talking about Sloth played by John Matuszak).
  • A fucking pirate waterslide. Name just one more goddamn movie that has a pirate waterslide. You can't. You know why? Because you've never seen the movies that happen in my dreams, therefore, you've only seen one fucking movie with a pirate waterslide and that, my friend, is The Goonies.
  • Did I mention a fat kid jiggles his belly? Well, I feel it bears repeating. And he spills a strawberry shake on a window, busts down a door, breaks a bunch of shit, and, the best part, adults threaten to puree his hand if he doesn't tell them where his friends are (hint: they went in the fireplace, but The Fratellis don't believe him until the bats come busting out from it!).
  • Headbands!
  • A young white boy and a young Asian boy merrily skipping arm-in-arm and, in no way*, do I consider it erotic.
  • Doubloons!
  • Mississippi Mud, Chocolate Eruption, Apple...
  • Samwise Gamgee in braces getting some mouth-loving from the girl who Lucas had a crush on.
  • Baby Ruth
  • A grown man getting hit in the face by a slice of pizza.
  • Booty traps. That's what I said, booby traps.
I'll just stop there, but in no way is this list comprehensive.

This movie is weird, though. If you didn't grow up watching this movie, chances are you probably hate it or at least don't "get it."** I've talked to people like this (who will, heretofore, be referred to as motherfucking Communists), and they just don't quite understand what the big deal is about this movie. The only way I can explain it is to say that, I know when I was a kid, the idea of finding pirate treasure probably crossed my mind at least once a day, if not more. This was a movie where kids were actually able to do that. If you were a very gay child like me, you probably identified with one of the Goonies--in my case, oddly enough, it was Data, the Asian boy (years after first viewing this film, I've found myself "identifying" with plenty of Asian boys since)--and, therefore, felt like it was a movie that was about you and your friends or, at least, something that could possibly happen.

That's all I have for this entry. It is, honestly, one of the movies (if not THE movie) that got me into film as a kid. I feel like I owed it to The Goonies, even goddamn Corey Feldman, to put this out there.

Now where am I going, you ask?
Men's room, Mikey. Men's room.

*in every way
**a spot in Heaven

Edit: Oh yeah. Any comments on the new colors? I don't mean that they (The National Association for the Advancement of Colors) invented new colors, I mean the new colors for the weblog. Or, should I just completely revamp it and have pictures of The Care Bears all over the site? Also, if you didn't notice, I got a new profile picture drawn and colored by my friend, Ryan. So tell me how awesome it is to have a hand-drawn picture of a retarded baby please.

Interesting thought of the day:
I consider myself a "personal space rapist." I make it my calling in life to violate as many people's personal space (spaces?) as possible. An old lady need help with her groceries? Carry them, but do so by approaching her from behind and supporting her arms with your own. Waiter taking your order at a restaurant? Grab his arm holding the notepad and look him in the eyes, unblinking, as you relay your order.

5 comments:

EOB said...

I like the new colors. They give the appearance of a mature, serious blog. It is only after the reader is knee deep in an entry that they realize thier mistake ... but by then, it is too late. The necrophilia and sheer retarded-ness have infected them and another Born-Again is, uh, born.

Sloth. Love. Chunk. I get the feeling Sloth's first night staying with the Chunk family is going to be awkward.

Anonymous said...

Very funny entry, you're freaking nuts. As for the new colors,

"What's good enough for you
Is good enough for me!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
GOONIES!"

Drew said...

You missed your chance to kill off every last remaining whale in the ocean. A month or so ago, they showed The Goonies on a giant inflatable screen in Astoria, Oregon where it was filmed. I would imagine that a great many whales swimming by would've been 'affected'.

Alyssa Castillo said...

You're post alone gave me a geekrection, and I don't even have a penis!

Goonies 'R' Good Enough is the ringtone on my phone. 'Nough said.

Anonymous said...

The goonies definitley played a pivotal role in my formative years, though I think I identified more strongly with Sloth than I did with anyone else...

On another note, I googled: cardboard vagina Halloween mask and you were the 2nd option, meaning that there is apparently a more popular search result for that string of words which I find highly disturbing.

-Agon