Thursday, July 07, 2005

Jesus: The Cliff's Notes

I went to Disneyland yesterday--you know, The Happiest Place on Earth. Well, while I was there, I was walking toward a bathroom and some old man handed me something. There's a weird response that humans have when somebody is handing them something: they take it.

Since I'm mostly human being (and part all-night sex robot), I, too, react this same way.

So I accept the flier that the old man is handing me. I'm not sure what the hell I thought it would be. I mean, it's not like he's advertising a rave at Rolling Hills Retirement Community. But, since it was already in my hand, I figured I'd look at it.I'm kind of an idiot, so I thought that, maybe, this wasn't a pamphlet about God, but, instead, maybe he was advertising a brothel or the mail-order child labor enslavement ring he disguises as a summer camp.

"Life begins at...The Battered Kitty! Come to Anaheim's only Gentleman's Club where it pays to both be a gentleman and bring a club because these ladies love physical abuse! One club to the cheekbone sends Mandi reeling with ecstacy! Watch as Sapphire bleeds from her eyes as only the ladies at The Shaved Kitty can! Wednesday nights don't miss our Vagina-stapling show. It sounds like exactly what it is--only hotter!"

"Life begins at...Camp Sorethumbs! Hey, kids! Like soccer? Like sewing? How about combining two things that you like to do into one awesome new activity? I sure hope so, because that's all you'll be doing here! At Camp Sorethumbs, we sew soccerballs from the time the bugle wakes you up at 3:30 in the morning until it's "lights out" only a little over 23 and a half hours later at 2:45 AM. Non-stop sewing means non-stop fun!"

But, like I said, when I opened it up, I was sorely disappointed."When will you have an exciting, pleasant, satisfying life?"
I like the part where it says, "ASK THE ELDERLY PERSON, and he will answer, "When...when..."

I think the reason I like it is because it's implying a few things:
  1. Old people are mentally incompetent.
  2. Old people have nothing to live for.
  3. Old people will burn in hell if they don't find Jesus.
But, it took a turn for the worse when it got all Jesus-y. Don't get me wrong, it's still hilarious.

ASK THE CHRISTIAN, and he will answer, "For me to LIVE is Christ and to DIE is gain. My present is glorious because God is working through me. And my future is so certain that I can hardly wait!"

So, they're certain that there's a heaven and they really want to hurry up and get there? The Heaven's Gate people were certain that there was a flying saucer behind that comet and they did something about it. I'm not saying to kill yourselves, crazy-ass Christians, but, I am. Take some initiative, pussies!

On the next page it says, "LIFE BEGINS WHEN YOU CAN SAY:" and it lists a bunch of crazy Jesus-speak. Apparently, my life hasn't begun because there's no way I can say "...that whosoever believeth in him..." In fact, maybe people would have a lot easier time digesting this completely ridiculous nonsense if every verse wasn't written like a goddamn Harry Potter spell. I read one of the verses aloud and now one of my balls is haunted by Abraham Lincoln.

I don't care if you're religious, but, for the love of whatever completely imaginary entity you believe in, keep it out of the hallowed halls of Disneyland--especially when I'm trying to spit game at the 6-year-old holding her mommy's hand in line for Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Interesting thought of the day:
Surprisingly, you can't get crabs from having sex with one. Even more surprising? You can get pregnant.


Drew said...

I don't understand how this jibes with being anti-abortion. Aren't those kids just taking the express train?

Anonymous said...

I think most christians are living so they can convert Kurt.

Once Kurt accepts Jesus as his personal lord and savior, they all intend to have a very special Jonestown comunion with grape flavor-aid (not Kool-Aid, hi 2 u misconceptions) laced with cyanide.

So Kurt, imo, just accept Jesus so we can all watch a mass misguided suicide.

In other news, Tom Cruise has taken a page out of the tract hander-outer guy handbook by standing outside of pharmacies and going through everyone's purchase bags and freaking out on anyone with any type of drug that's designed to help with mental illness.