Sunday, July 03, 2005

Alien Vs. Thetan!

Over the weekend, I saw the blockbustravaganza known as War of the Worlds. The movie was okay in that way that it's always okay to see a whole bunch of computer-generated shit blow up; that's always good. If you told me that my puppy had to be put down and I had finally contracted AIDS from the years of unprotected sex with New York City toilet seats, but you accompanied it with lots of explosions and people getting cut in half by laser beams, I'd probably be a little bummed, but, at the same time, totally stoked because some awesome shit was going down on screen.

So, in that way, the movie was entertaining--especially the first half. But, every time Tom Cruise came on screen, I couldn't help but think of how goddamn crazy he is now, Matt. And I know something about crazy. I've studied it, Matt. Matt, you're just being glib, but I know what I'm talking about, Matt. Matt.

Honestly, though, enough of this kidding nonsense; it hasn't worked for me for three years anyway. Even at the most sentimental moments when he and creepy adult-child Dakota Fanning were having emotional, touching moments, I couldn't help but think what was said moments before "Action!"

"Hey, Dakota. I know you're only ten, but, have you ever thought about the fact that every person on this planet actually contains the souls of a portion of the billions of people that were brought to this planet by the galactic ruler, Xenu, who strapped them to volcanoes and blew the fuck out of them with hydrogen bombs 75 million years ago? Dakota. That's why people get sick, Dakota. Because they have 75 million year old souls stuck to them. And, with my help, we can free those souls from inside of you. If you don't get it done, Dakota, you'll die."

"But, Mr. Cruise, didn't some guy just make all that stuff up?"

"Yes and no, Dakota. See, he made it all up, but it just turns out that everything he made up was absolutely true."

"Oh. I know I'm only ten, like you said, so I may not know any better, but that sure sounds like a huge load of fucking bullshit. I mean, when I was younger I believed that a fat man could fly around the world and deliver presents to everybody in one night, but goddamn, I think even if I was born mentally retarded and would only, in my lifetime, reach a cognitive capacity of a 4-year-old, I would still call bullshit on that story."

Then, since he's one of only a handful of level 6 Thetans on this planet (thus, capable of doing what needed to be done), Tom Cruise eats Dakota Fanning whole because it's the only way to save her and free all of the souls trapped inside of her. Then, with the fresh blood of a saved child on his lips, he kisses the Lizard Princess (who can only be revealed by looking through magic glasses a la They Live), Katie Holmes, and rapes Oprah.

Interesting thought of the day:
I can never sneak anywhere because, when I tiptoe, I can't help but hum the cartoon tiptoe music. I also have the same problem with accompanying myself musically while chasing ghosts through hallways with lots of doors and having tons of dirty sex with the pizza man.

2 comments:

deleted said...

are you saying that there is no such thing as santa claus? !!!!

EOB said...

I agree. I was looking forward to War of the Worlds until the Tom half of TomKat went public with his wide-eyed insanity. Now I don't know if I can look at his face for two hours straight.