Reunited And It Feels So Self-Indulgent!

Everybody can finally stop looking. Hundreds and thousands of man hours have been poured into this search and, finally, it has come to a happy conclusion.

The pretty girl who disappeared in Aruba? Oh, she's still missing (but, the attention paid to her search is a whole other issue entirely that I won't get into).

Jimmy Hoffa's body? Nope. Still no sign of that.

Osama Bin Laden? He's actually working at an Arby's in Des Moines, but nobody believes me.

However, there is something much, much more important than all of these things that has been returned to its rightful place.

Bono's goddamn cowboy hat.

I must have clicked to read the "Who Gives a Fuck?" section of the news on accident. I think he must believe his hat can cure AIDS in Africa because I used to think that that was the only thing he pretended to care about. But, take away his fucking hat and face the wrath of Bono. Fuck AIDS or poverty. When you mess with an Irishman's cowboy hat, you may as well be taking a dump in a pint of Guinness while sodomizing a leprechaun.

In other news, an old British lady just stabbed another woman in a Red Lobster for spilling wine all over her kimono. The victim, a South African woman, will have to buy a new pair of wooden clogs because they were destroyed in the scuffle.

Interesting thought of the day:
Carpe Diem is Latin for "Overused Latin Expression."