Saturday, July 02, 2005

So, You Want More Friends?

A lot of people like to have friends. Me, though, I like to have BEST friends. Because who else is going to braid my hair and let me borrow tampons (Grandma)?

Since, at the moment, I have well over 1,500 friends (1 of which is actually a living, breathing entity and not, instead, a tiny faux-person I made out of an old pringles can, some construction paper, and a giant void in my life), I figured that it's only fair that I share some ways that can help you turn somebody into a friend for life!

I'm going to try to make these applicable to both sexes since I know I have a very strong contingent of ladies that read my work (or, as I like to call it, my "Literary Orgasms").

  • Upon meeting a new person that you know would work well as your best friend, immediately grab their vagina or balls and poke or tug ferociously while saying, "Who am I? Who am I? What does this button/lever do? KABOOM!" Then, while they're crying (not because of pain, but because they're laughing so hard in anticipation of what could possibly get even funnier than the setup), tell them this: "One of the guys from the Challenger!" This was how I made my first friend, way back in 1986, but, surprisingly, though a dated reference and joke, it still works wonders today.
  • Repeatedly tell this new person everything that you find wrong with them ("You know that your eyeballs are really crooked? Seriously, like Sloth from Goonies or Shannon Doherty.", "I'm sure people have told you before, but nothing you say is interesting. Ever. You talk and I just start thinking about anything else going on in my life because, if I don't, I'll probably start gnawing my own arm off like a coyote or that guy who went hiking and sawed his own arm off with a credit card to get out from underneath that rock.", or "You should probably look into having somebody take a huge shit on you before you leave the house because anything would be an improvement on the way that you smell naturally.") Then, after you tell them these things, always make sure you say, "But I'm still hanging out with you anyways because we're best friends."
  • Steal your new acquaintance's wallet/purse. If you can, get access to their bank accounts as well and sell as much of their stuff on ebay as you possibly can. Then, tell them that you donated all their money to charity, like kids with flies on their face, and how good they should feel about it. It doesn't matter if you actually give this money to charity or not--you can keep it--but just letting the person think that their money is going to good use is the gift of a lifetime and you'll be rewarded with everlasting FRIENDSHIP!
  • Two words: Naked hug.
  • Call your new friend any time, especially in the middle of the night. Make sure that they're asleep. When they answer the phone and ask what's the matter, just tell them that you can't believe that you're best friends with somebody so awesome. This works even better if you show up to their house in the middle of the night and do this in person.
  • Sign your friend up for as many junk mailing lists as you possibly can. Then, when they complain about how much mail they're getting, tell them that everybody is trying to be their new best friend, but there can be only one. Then, take out your sword (which you should always carry with you) and cut off the head of an innocent person standing nearby. Your new best friend loves Highlander references.
  • This one probably only works for guys: Rape your new friend's significant other. This may sound harsh, but you'll see where I'm going. When your best friend's girlfriend "whines" about getting raped, you tell your friend that you were just making sure his girlfriend was the one and that it must be true love because she really put up a fight.
  • Plant incriminating evidence (heroine, child porn, body parts) at your future friend's house. Then, call in an anonymous tip to the police. When this person is convicted and sent to prison, tell them that, even though you didn't know them that well, you don't think that they'd be capable of what they're there for. This will light a fire in this person's heart for you and you're on your way to having a new best friend in only 15 years to life.
Interesting thought of the day:
If you have children that are going through puberty, just tell them that "puberty is magic" and when they're done with it, they'll become the most powerful wizard in the land. That will get them ready for adulthood.

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