I Broke My Hymen!

I went to the gym for the first time in my entire life the other day. The stuff there is so heavy.

I am such a little girl that I'm so sore that I'm taking ibuprofen for the pain two days later. That's right. I worked out for probably 45 minutes and now it hurts when I breathe too deep.

As punishment for being such a pussy, I'm going to pee sitting down for the next month.

And I swear I'm not being sarcastic, but it actually hurts to type. Once I get the sand out of my vagina, at least I'll be able to sit more comfortably.

Anyway.

A woman got arrested for giving birth while she was drunk. Maybe she thought it would be best to bookend her conception and birth while she was in the same state. But, this time, she didn't have a blindfolded Swedish midget urinating in her mouth while she sung "It's Raining Men."

Interesting thought of the day:
If I ever have a child, I'm going to make it wear a monocle and a top hat all of the time.