On Your Mark...Get Set...READ!

Okay, nerds. The big day is almost upon you. At midnight tonight, the new Harry Potter book goes on sale.

That's right. "Harry Potter and the Pegasus-flavored Otter Pop," or, "Harry Potter and the Pillow Hump of Destiny," or "Harry Potter and the Strange Feelings Toward that Red-haired Boy," makes its debut tonight.

Some people, not realizing that it's a book and not the Childlike Empress from The Neverending Story, decided that it was important enough to send armed guards and GPS tracking with the books so that nothing can happen to them on the way to their destination. I think that the dead chick in Aruba's parents should learn a lesson from this: If you love your child enough, you will treat her like a book about wizards and first boners.

All the hoopla is hilarious to me, though. First, because it's called hoopla which, many people don't know, is a Scandanavian dish made from lamb and strawberry jelly. But, secondly, because it's a goddamn book filled with make-believe. I haven't seen anybody this excited for something that didn't actually exist since I took off the dress I was wearing for that guy I met at that club, "The Secret Handshake." It was his first time there.

Do you think that when the Bible came out, people were this excited? Or, was the Bible released in installments just like the Harry Potter books? If that's the case, I can see people getting all antsy for The Book of Job. Especially because, when they bought it at Best Buy, they got a free audio CD of Christopher Walken reading it.

"I can't wait to get "Luke." I hear that Lot's wife comes back and ruins everybody's soup by putting too much of herself in it!"

Interesting thought of the day:
Putting temporary tattoos on your baby is funny. Even funnier? Putting permanent ones on somebody else's.