Monday, July 25, 2005

Fuck Mel Gibson in His Stupid Fucking Face!

I didn't want to bother concocting a title employing any pun involving one of his movies and me wanting him to get raped by a giant robot with a metal cock like the things sticking out of the hubcaps of the car of the bad guy with the awful complexion in Grease, so I thought I would cut to the chase.
I was going to use a picture of Mel Gibson, because it would be appropriate, but looking at his "stupid fucking face" made me so mad, that I decided to put a picture of a guy dressed as a centaur instead.

As if The Passion of the Christ wasn't pretentious enough, Mel Gibson is ready to drop another giant celluloid turd on the film-viewing public with his new film called--and I promise you this isn't the name of a shitty band lineup your local Top 40 station put together to "Blow the hinges off of summer!"--Apocalypto.

Yep. Apocalypto. It could be the name that your local Dungeons & Dragons nerd gave to his level 18 dwarf warlock, but, no, it's the new Passion of the Christ.

Or is it the nickname of the Vodka and Roofies cocktail that some local frat guy uses to make sure his "cock gets some mouth-loving tonight"? "Don't worry, dude. It's a sure thing. She's drinking the ole Apocalypto." Then he high-fives whoever is near him because frat guys can't end a conversation without a high-five and an uncomfortably long homo-erotic stare. Well, maybe it could be that, but it's also going to be the new film brought to you by director of The Man Without a Face and star of Bird on a Wire.

And, to make it equally as awful and pretentious, he's going to make it in another foreign-ass language, like he did with The Passion and Aramaic. The dialogue will be in an "obscure Mayan dialect." Do you really need the word 'obscure' before 'Mayan dialect'? Are the legions of people who speak the non-obscure Mayan dialect that is sweeping the nation going to go to the film playing at their local fucking stone temple and storm out because they can't understand a word that's being said and, besides, it's baby-sacrificing time?

So, another 9-hour movie with subtitles. Awesome. If I wanted to read at a fucking movie, I'd go with Marlee Matlin.

Speaking of Marlee Matlin, I want to see a movie or TV show where she doesn't play a deaf chick. That would be some goddamn acting. Of course, I'd also like to see a movie where Orlando Bloom doesn't play the prettiest girl on screen and Hilary Swank doesn't play a horse-faced lesbian. And, yes, she's a lesbian in The Next Karate Kid.

I think I've made my argument and supported it sufficiently. So, now it's time, as I learned in school, to write my concluding paragraph.

In conclusion, I think I have proven fuck Mel Gibson in his stupid fucking face.

Interesting thought of the day:
If you are offended by profanity, don't read the above post.

1 comment:

Molly said...

I love your dirty blog.