Sunday, August 29, 2004

Children of the World Are My Puppets!

This weekend, I, once again, found myself in a situation where I was surrounded by children. Now, to many of my readers this may seem like a wet dream on some level or another, but, to me, children normally spell the deepest darkest pits of Hell and despair. That is, until I found out, how to use kids to entertain myself.

A child who can speak, ages 2-7 or so, does anything for attention. So, if you're talking to said child, and tell them to repeat something you say, they will, more often than not, do this because kids are dumb and I'm convinced that they all have some form of brain damage because a lot of them can't even really count or talk right. All it takes is for me to tell the kid to say something to somebody and he does it. He's like my own, personal, living, breathing Instant Messenger service. Moments later, I hear his mother yell from across the room, "You are not a bastard child and a complete waste of human flesh." Mission accomplished. Having a kid put himself down isn't where the fun stops, though. A lot of times, a kid will show more loyalty to a stranger than he will to his own parents (hence my summer "Our Little Secret" Tour of 2002). This can be used by telling a kid to scream out, "By the way, mom, your breast milk tasted like shit. I'm glad I'm off that stuff. It's like liquid ass." Granted, it may not come out as eloquent as that, but, nonetheless, making a kid say "shit" and "ass" has to be one of the top five joys of life.

I also saw two movies this weekend: Suspect Zero and Garden State. I'll start with the shitty one first. There may be some spoilers for Suspect Zero to follow, so, if, for some odd reason, you really want to see that movie, don't keep reading. But, trust me, I'm doing you a favor (I'm not going to spoil the ending or anything though, but I may talk about plot points). Suspect Zero is a movie about Ghandi as a serial killer. On paper this sounds like solid motherfucking gold. It's shitty, though, because the main guy, Aaron Eckhart, could be one of the worst actors in existence. Granted, he didn't have a good script to work with, but Ghandi managed to make the movie less shitty, so ole Eckhart should have done his part, too. There's a cool part of the film that involves remote viewing, which I've never seen used in a movie before, but that's the only real original part of the movie. The rest of it is like Se7en if Se7en was a shitty movie. That's all I want to write about this movie because, honestly, it makes me want to go back to the theatre and bodyslam everybody that works there onto a mattress filled with guns and sticks.

Garden State, on the other hand, was a really good movie. It does have some vaginistic moments of romantic goodness that some people may not care for, but, for the most part (except for the very ending) it worked well and never went too far with the sugary bits without making fun of itself or taking it in a direction that films don't normally go. Also, Natalie Portman is in it and made me want to marry her. This is a big deal because I don't even think I want to get married, but, if Natalie Portman wrote me a letter or a really nice email, I think I'd consider it for her. Also, the movie has a few retarded jokes, so, of course I like it. Fuck the retards in their giant heads and spaced-too-far-apart eyeballs. Serves 'em right for being all sensitive and happy and smelling like shampoo and candy.

The Aforementioned Top Five Joys of Life (in no particular order, just that there are five of them):

  • Making a kid cuss (especially in front of his parents or other immediate family).
  • Watching anybody you don't know trip or hurt themselves (the more severely the better) in public.
  • Watching somebody you do know trip or hurt themselves in public.*
  • Making fun of Jesus in front of somebody who believes in God and all that stuff.
  • Slimjims two for a dollar at 7-11.
*The same rules as the above item apply.

If there was something I missed, I know you all will fill it in for me below. So hop to it, my bitches.

Interesting thought of the day:
On the internet, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a dude pretending to be a chick.


theFrog said...

Actually, you're wrong.

Billy Zane is the worst actor in existence, and Aaron Eckhart only wishes he could be as sucky as him.

But you were right about Garden State - that movie was really good. Here's something really scary: During the retarded football player jokes, I actually thought of you.

I know, I know. I was in the fetal position for hours, too. It'll get better, I promise.

Jimbo the Angry Clown said...

I have a few things to consider adding to your list.....

-Spinning a cat in circles on a tile floor until it becomes so dizzy it runs into walls.

-Telling the "special" kids at the local playground that they can fly if they concentrate really hard and jump from the top of the slide.

-Anything involving midgets and a platypus.