Saturday, August 14, 2004

Get Ready For The "Big Fat Greek" Everything!

With the Olympics taking place in Greece for the next fortnight or so, escaping all of the horrible headlines containing some derivation of "Big Fat Greek" will be impossible. So, I'm going to try to keep track of all the ridiculously unoriginal headlines that contain this phrase because I'm like that guy in A Beautiful Mind and I see patterns in everything--you should see me dissect my own stool in order to unlock the keys to the Universe.

After a quick search, these are the "Big Fat Greek" headlines right now:
My Big Fat Greek Scandal - This is about how some weird, hairy, Greek runner guy crashed his motorcycle while driving with another hairy, Greek, female Olympian. They're rumored to have been all doped up on Big Fat Greek steroids while riding their Big Fat Greek Harley down the Big Fat Greek Highway. No wonder writers always use that phrase, it's so much fun! This could have easily been titled, Nobody But Smelly Greeks Give a Big Fat Shit and it would have made much better use of the "Big Fat" phenomenon.

Big Fat Greek Welcome - This one's from a Canadian newspaper, so it's inherently boring, much like the same child porn you've seen thirty times. I mean, it's nice, but it's nothing special. It's just so happy and sugar-coated that I'm seriously contemplating spraypainting the entire country of Canada with the phrase, "Canadoesn't." I'm not sure what it means, but I love making up compound words; it's funtasticunt. This man should have titled his story, Canada Loves Everything--Especially Kittens and Yummy Pancakes.

Big Fat Greek Fiasco? - Finally, this story is what I love most about American journalism: fear. This story talks about how there could be a bombing in Athens much like that in Atlanta in 1996. It's a cynical piece about how there are volunteers in Athens that are paid to always be happy and smiling no matter what is going on in order to try to comfort all of the visitors. I've just purchased my ticket at to go to Greece where I will find every one of these people and proceed to pour bags of AIDS and rare strains of Malaria and River Blindness all over them. If they don't smile while I do it, I will make sure that they are promptly fired because I want the facade of happiness and ease covering up everything. It's like, you know that the majority of people that work at Disneyland hate their job, but Michael Eisner makes them smile and laugh or else, I've heard, he calls them into his office and bludgeons one of their family members to death with a foot tall, marble Mickey Mouse statuette. His article should have been titled, We're All Going To Die! Holy Fucking Shit! The Olympics Are Going to Explode!

These places need to hire me to write for them. I don't even have to write the articles, I can just write the headlines.

It's late. I'm tired. I've got four ounces of sand in my vagina, so it's off to bed.

Interesting thought of the day:
Men should always date single mothers because you know that they're way easy and they'll totally have sex with you because, hey, they've done it once, the seal's already been broken, what's one more time? By the way, the second half of that sentence does NOT work great as a pickup line for said women.

I respond to comments:
Flesh, my previous title was a reference to a scene in one of the Austin Powers movies. This, of course, could have been a parody of The Prisoner in itself.

Weesa, thanks for the praise. I've got a crapping my pants story I may share in the future as well. Though it wasn't at a Bar Mitzvah, it was because of being surrounded by an overabundance of Jewish people and freshly snipped foreskin.

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