Monday, August 02, 2004

Scent of a Urine!

Hoohah! This entire entry is going to be about pee, specifically my own pee, so if you don't like pee, are allergic, addicted and don't want the temptations, or have a personal vendetta against pee because it clubbed your grandmother in the knee hours before the ice skating championships, you'll probably want to skip this one.

There are certain things that I eat that make my pee smell like said item. For instance, whenever I eat cereal that's like Honey Smacks or Super Golden Crisp, when I pee later that day, I'm reminded all over again of what I had for breakfast. I thought that the peepee chute and the poopoo chute were separate, so this confuses me. Why would something that's getting turned into my poop emit its beautiful, sugary odor out of my flesh-pipe? My stomach should not grumble upon smelling my own urine, yet it does. But, don't worry, it doesn't taste a thing like what I had for breakfast. It's just really salty and hot--like a latino woman. I'd much prefer if when I ate Corn Pops that that would mean later on that day a latino woman would spew forth from my wiener. Not so much because I'd "totally do her"--because I wouldn't, she's a human that came from my penis, I don't trust her--but because it would make me feel like I was a bottle that a genie came from. Lord knows I rub that thing enough. Yay for masturbation jokes. My penis is a mexican genie's lamp. I'll bet in like a week if you put that phrase into google, my site will be the only one that comes up.

Also, as I discovered a week or two ago, if you put "Whoopi Goldberg's butthole" into google, my site is the only one that comes up. I'd like to think that my entire audience is composed of people who put that phrase into google and were initially upset that there were no photos of the Diva's balloon knot from Sister Act, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, and Eddie. Then, once they gave in to the fact that they would not be finding the holy graille of Whoopi-porn, they stayed for the constant pedophile, sodomy and retard jokes.

I don't know how many of my tens of readers have taken those big-ass, smelly, horse-sized multi-vitamins, but I have, and they messed up my urinary tract something wicked. I guess it wasn't my urinary tract so much as the color, scent and sometimes even the texture of my urine. It turned my pee into a radioactive yellow. This, I thought, was cool on one hand because I felt like I was a Superhero who, after a terrible accident in the bathroom of the nuclear power plant where he worked, was stricken with the superpower of radioactive urine that doesn't actually hurt his foes, but kind of grosses them out a little. But, also, any time that my urine isn't the normal, crimson red that it usually is, it's a little nerve-wracking. This gave me an idea, though. I thought of patenting an item that could change the properties of one's urine. There could be the color-changing line that does just what it sounds like. It turns you into a black person. No. That doesn't make sense (but it did in Soul Man). There'd be the traditional, primary colors, but then there'd also be the mood changing urine pills and the patriotic, Red, White, and Blue pack that, when urinated in the right sequence, forms an exact replica of the U.S. flag. Also, another thing that has me pretty stoked about my urine changers, or, as I've decided to call them, "The Pee Dazzlers," is the one that changes the textures of one's urine. There are a few of these. One of them turns your urine into a thick, stew-like consistency (with your choice of soup flavor: Clam Chowder (the Red and the White) and Beef and Onion are in the testing stages). Another will make your urine come out like Silly String so, you too, can feel like Spider-Man, if only in the confines of your sad, lonely, bacteria-laden bathroom. But, finally, the one that has me most excited, is the pill that will change your urine into a steam. Imagine being able to enter a room in a cloud of fog. It's like carrying your own personal fog machine with you wherever you go, except this fog smells like breakfast! Nobody take that! I'm using it as the slogan.

Interesting thought of the day:
The remote control was invented by a man who had run out of things to throw at his wife so she would get up and change the channel. By sheer coincidence, the thing would have worked to change the channel on his TV. He didn't discover this soon enough, however, as he bludgeoned his wife to death with it for not keeping Double A batteries around the house.

I ran out of slightly clever for the night, so please comment, especially if you're new (but the older folks feel free as well). Or, I'll leave my email for all those who came looking for Whoopi Goldberg's butthole and are disappointed. I'll send you pics from my personal collection.


theFrog said...

You could make pee-dye that would turn it black and then impress the hell out of your friends at pool parties with your amazing Squid impressions.

Just throwing out some ideas to you there for marketing.

Mellody said...


Flesh said...


Jimbo the Angry Clown said...

I'm thinking of having fiber-optics implanted into my urethra. This way I can turn out the lights in my bathroom and have my own little (err...I mean, grandiose) light show.

Anonymous said...

Sir, are we allowed to +1 here? Been reading your blog for a while now, and decided to post and say how damn funny you are!


p.s. wru whoopi hole?