Tuesday, August 24, 2004

If You Cut Me, Do I Not Bleed Chocolatey Goodness?

I had to go to Wal-Mart today to buy some things and whenever I'm at Wal-Mart I make it a point to buy cereal. I don't know how, and I don't want to know how, but for some reason, at Wal-Mart, cereal is so cheap, it's like it's free but costs a little bit of money. My cereals of choice are Cap'n Crunch and Cocoa Pebbles. It must have been a long time since I've had cereal because today, in total, I've had 4 bowls of Cocoa Pebbles. Right now my heart's beating like the bassline to some shitty-ass techno song (I realize that "shitty-ass techno song" is redundant--it's like saying, fat girl on a webcam or pregnant Hispanic teenager). But, if it weren't for my colon which, at this moment is like a landmine filled with shit--if I sit down on it wrong, it's going to explode, I'd build a machine that constantly fed me Cap'n Crunch and Cocoa Pebbles. There's already something like this called a live-in nurse, but I can't get one of those until I fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming lazy to the point of mentally-induced paralyzation.

With all of these regular Olympics taking up the entire channel spectrum, there's another event that's not getting televised and I wish to God it was: the Special Olympics. The thing I like about the Special Olympics is that you can have varying degrees of disadvantage in order to participate. For instance, in the 100-meter dash, you can have a guy who's missing a leg competing against somebody who, not ten minutes before, held a log of his own shit to the sky and yelled out, "I'm Harry Potter" and thrusted his newly acquired fecal wand at his reflection in the mirror. The best thing about it is that there's a chance that the guy with one leg, who's not mentally handicapped in any way, can lose to a guy who's ten kinds of retarded. It's a little known fact, but retards have strength like ants; they can carry, like, twenty times their own body weight. I'm sure that that can translate to a fast 100 meter dash speed if he's facing the right way when the gun goes off to scare him away from "The Bang Bang Stick."

I'd want to be a judge in the Special Olympics because, from what I've heard from the brothel featuring purely retarded women that I frequent, everybody gets a medal no matter what. So, in weightlifting, if one person goes up and actually lifts the weights and does a good job, that's considered exactly as good as the kid who pulls the weight off of the bar and starts to hump it. No wonder these kids are retarded; it's easy. I'll bet in all of their classes they get A's and they all get 1600s on the retarded SATs (the RSATs). I'm going to look try to see what it would cost me to get somebody to shoot me with a nail gun in my corpus callosum and move it around a little in there--really tear some shit up. Imagine being able to not get in trouble for walking around a clothing store naked trying on women's bathrobes. If only I had this excuse two years ago, I'd still be allowed in Target.

Man, it felt good to write about retarded kids again; I missed it.

I still need suggestions for a guest writer, motherfuckers. And, Amy, yeah, $3.99 does suck for a gallon of milk, but I think I failed to mention that the milk was from the teat of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Interesting thought of the day:
Hepatitis C is named such because it's the dumbest of all the Hepatitis strains.


theFrog said...

Or - instead of Danny TheChurroMan, get Bruce Villanch or Rip Taylor.

Gay afros are cool and no one can resist and queen with confetti. You can't go wrong.

this one girl.... said...

well, then you obviously got a good deal! our milk here is left over from those kids in the special olympics. they just hold cups under their chins and catch what is dribbling down their face... then, they sell it here for $1.99. quite a bargain, if you ask me :)

Anonymous said...

Kurt! My GOD. You're alive. I seriously hope you aren't using that ICQ account of yours because if you were sending me those obscene msgs I'm going to be pissed off at you, especially after getting mad on your behalf at the person I was suspecting had hacked your account. :P

Arwen noted that you have loads of grammatical errors in your resume but it's otherwise pretty clever. I only skimmed it but... I'll trust her.

Drop me a line sometime.