Thursday, August 19, 2004

Phone Home! Not On My Watch, Bitch!

In what could soon come to overshadow the neverending Olympic coverage, an old man from Portland kicked a little ass and took a few names. Literally. I actually want to saw my own head off with a rusty knife or one sharp spoon for writing that opening and you will too once you hear what I'm talking about. A senior citizen (I hate the phrase "senior citizen" it makes them sound like they have authority over me when they don't. They can't tell me what to do. They're not the boss of me!) became the champion of ripping phone books in half. The guy is 69 years old and he can rip 39 more phone books in half than I can. I have trouble tearing my movie ticket stub and that's got built-in perforations (just like stretchmarks). And he did it all in three minutes!

The following is a list of my greatest accomplishments in three minutes:

  • Roped, murdered, and consumed an entire baby cow. People sometimes refer to these as "calves" but, because of previous cannibalism allegations, I prefer to alleviate the confusion from the getgo.
  • For three minutes I didn't think about what it would be like to wear Ashley Judd's skin as my own, personal exoskeleton.
  • It only took me three minutes to work the word "exoskeleton" into one of my writings.
As you can see, I don't do a lot of things in three minutes. I'm sure all you lady (yeah, I'm talking to you) know what I'm talking about. I have no idea. I just hear people say things like that and they wink, nudge and move their eyebrows a lot and I think that these people are very awesome.

In other news, Paul Hamm, one half of what has been scientifically proven to be the gayest set of twins ever created, won the Olympic all-around gold in men's Gymnastics (or, as I so cleverly like to call it, "Himnastics") after what I'm being told was a remarkable comeback. I wouldn't know what a comeback is like because I'm always number one like a man without an asshole (I'll let you think about that one for a while), but I'll take their word for it. I'm not quite sure why I'm bringing this up except for the fact that I wish my last name was stylistically an homage to my favorite sandwich. I'd be Kurt Peebeeanjay-Wifda-Cruszkutof. It's Russian. Shut up.

Finally, and this is a new homework assignment (don't forget, though, your other assignment, punching people in the face as you yell out my website, is ongoing), I really want people to comment on this one, but I have a specific request. I'd like for people to comment their thoughts about religion. This can be either their set of beliefs, what they feel about organized religion, or just whatever sort of thoughts you want to write. Also, one stipulation, no comments about Priests molesting children because that's just not funny--not unless the child is retarded or just asking for it because of the way they dress.

Interesting thought of the day:
Next time you see a kid crying in the middle of some store, walk up to it and knee it square in the face. Little kids cry about all sorts of shit, nobody's going to believe that it's because a grown person totally Taekwando'd their face. Plus, that kid's not even thinking about what he was crying about before, so you actually helped it.


Gary said...

Religion seems to be, at heart, an extension of the social services which is no bad thing I guess. It’s when people use this as a premise to intimidate, subjugate and generally be shit to each other, all in the name of Religion, that things start to go a bit wonky.
The extreme other side of the coin is just as bad - people follow teachings with such blind devotion that they are unable to accept anything else. The unwillingness to accept any other person's point of view leads to a blinkered view of the world where they (the person) is always in the right and everyone else is in the wrong.

Actually that brings up another point - people can be so obsessed with a religious set of beliefs that they can be preyed upon by others. Charles Manson & Aleister Crowley both bent the wills of their followers in the name of religion to achieve their own ends and neither of these people could be remotely classed as positive religious icons.

Religious beliefs became so paranoid in the Middle Ages here in England that people were accused of witchcraft and put to death in trials held by fanatics and zealots.
Of course you could refute these claims of being in league with Satan. If you were guilty and had a trial by axe then the axe would bounce off the heretics neck, thus proving his(her) guilt. The innocent would be beheaded.

Trial by ducking stool had a similar fate. This consisted of a stool (duh) at the end of a long pole over a pond. The witch to be would be ducked under water. If guilty they would float and then be burnt alive. If innocent they would drown.

Anyone notice that you’re fucked either way? :p

It (religion) is a good set of guidelines if we don’t go overboard with it but then, as a race, when have we not done that?

Shit that was a long post. Sorry ;)

bosh said...

I came to check your site as you have apparently checked mine. [you show me yours etc], and I can swear on the Girl Guide Manual that I have never laughed so much at any one post ever, not 'at' in the strict sense, more 'with'. You are an amusing character to be sure.
Religion?? I had a steaming fight with my ageing mother over why she began the conversation we were having with the priceless quote of 'I just hate all the mosques, dont you?....' Ill leave the rest of it to your imagination. Religion? It should be banned.

this one girl.... said...

religion is evil... it is a cult hidden inside the premise of a safety net used by people who like to drink too much and sleep with hookers. each individual needs to have their own set of beliefs, and each person needs to have a personal relationship with God *or whoever it is you worship*. i agree, religion should be outlawed... people use it just to be able to say "i'm better than you because i am religious... nah nah nah nah nah nah". Well whoopty-freakin'-do!

theFrog said...

Jesus died for my sins - and I make sure on a daily... nay, HOURLY basis that his death was not in vain.

As far as "religion" goes, I'm a heathen that hasn't been to church in ages. But I still like to believe that Jesus built my hotrod. He's just alright with me.

Jimbo the Angry Clown said...

The way I see it, religion is mainy a way for me to feel better for doing the bad shit I do.

I mean, if I had to take full responsibility for that little incident in Vegas involving those midget twins, a ten gallon hat, a unicycle, and a can of aerosol cheese, I wouldn't be able to go one with a clear conscience. But with religion, I can take a minute before I go to bed to ask my invisible friend to forgive me. And, shockingly, my invisible friend always does. Odd how that works out.

What else, but religion, even offers you the chance, as an adult, to have a heart-felt conversation with a person you can't see and not be taken away to the loony bin?

Flesh said...