In what could soon come to overshadow the neverending Olympic coverage, an old man from Portland kicked a little ass and took a few names. Literally. I actually want to saw my own head off with a rusty knife or one sharp spoon for writing that opening and you will too once you hear what I'm talking about. A senior citizen (I hate the phrase "senior citizen" it makes them sound like they have authority over me when they don't. They can't tell me what to do. They're not the boss of me!) became the champion of ripping phone books in half. The guy is 69 years old and he can rip 39 more phone books in half than I can. I have trouble tearing my movie ticket stub and that's got built-in perforations (just like stretchmarks). And he did it all in three minutes!
The following is a list of my greatest accomplishments in three minutes:
- Roped, murdered, and consumed an entire baby cow. People sometimes refer to these as "calves" but, because of previous cannibalism allegations, I prefer to alleviate the confusion from the getgo.
- For three minutes I didn't think about what it would be like to wear Ashley Judd's skin as my own, personal exoskeleton.
- It only took me three minutes to work the word "exoskeleton" into one of my writings.
In other news, Paul Hamm, one half of what has been scientifically proven to be the gayest set of twins ever created, won the Olympic all-around gold in men's Gymnastics (or, as I so cleverly like to call it, "Himnastics") after what I'm being told was a remarkable comeback. I wouldn't know what a comeback is like because I'm always number one like a man without an asshole (I'll let you think about that one for a while), but I'll take their word for it. I'm not quite sure why I'm bringing this up except for the fact that I wish my last name was stylistically an homage to my favorite sandwich. I'd be Kurt Peebeeanjay-Wifda-Cruszkutof. It's Russian. Shut up.
Finally, and this is a new homework assignment (don't forget, though, your other assignment, punching people in the face as you yell out my website, is ongoing), I really want people to comment on this one, but I have a specific request. I'd like for people to comment their thoughts about religion. This can be either their set of beliefs, what they feel about organized religion, or just whatever sort of thoughts you want to write. Also, one stipulation, no comments about Priests molesting children because that's just not funny--not unless the child is retarded or just asking for it because of the way they dress.
Interesting thought of the day:
Next time you see a kid crying in the middle of some store, walk up to it and knee it square in the face. Little kids cry about all sorts of shit, nobody's going to believe that it's because a grown person totally Taekwando'd their face. Plus, that kid's not even thinking about what he was crying about before, so you actually helped it.