Who Does Number Two Work For?

A week or two ago, I wrote about my habits concerning going number one. Now, I feel it's time to discuss going numero dos. So, if you don't like reading about poop, I'd suggest you don't read this and, instead, you make up a rap song about Mickey Mouse as a pimp (then submit them to me please, I'm cutting an album that's going to drop this Christmas).

On occasion, a person is granted with the ability to shoot water out of an area where solids normally exit. Recently, because of something I ate, I was granted said ability. The sound is pretty odd because it sounds like somebody's got a huge pitcher of Kool-Aid poised above the toilet and they dump it all out as fast as they can. I was pouring a lot of Kool-Aid that night. Anyway, as can sometimes happen, when I was cleaning up the area, I accidentally got a little bit of the liquid shit on my thumb. Now, when this happens, it's absolutely disgusting, but for some reason it's not as gross as when it happens after I've shat normally. I think it's because diarrhea is like shit from concentrate. Since it's mixed with water, it's not as potent or tart or whatever as it would be if it was just regular, sloppy shit. I'd much rather have to stick my hand in a bowl of diarrhea than stick my hand in a pile of firm, warm crap. At least with diarrhea, I'm getting a diluted version of poop.

I'm weird when it comes to using the bathroom in public, too. First, when I pee, I can't really go at a regular urinal; there's some sort of a personal space problem I have with somebody being able to see my back as I pee. But, even worse is having to take a dump in public. I don't mean like in the middle of McDonald's (which I've done, and they don't particularly care for--even if you tell them you're making room so you can buy more food), but I mean in a public restroom. There are some that are good, like the bathrooms in the New York, New York casino in Las Vegas. Those doors go all the way to the ground; it's like your own room that you get to shit in. The ones I hate are the bathrooms at the beach with no sort of doors whatsoever. I don't know who thought of this idea at the beach--maybe it's so people will only shit there if they really, really have to--but let's just say, I've pooped in the Pacific Ocean a whole lot more than I've pooped in their no-door-having stalls. Also, though, the other bathrooms that suck to try to sit down and drop a relaxing deuce in are the ones that fool you into thinking they're secure. They can fool you in one of a few ways (or a combination of these). First, their locks can be backward or just completely non-functioning, so you have to sit there with your hand or your foot out toward the door in case anybody tries to open it. The part about this is, if you're using your foot and somebody looks underneath the door to see if somebody's in the stall, they think there's a guy with one leg taking a dump in the bathroom. So they're going to stand outside the stall waiting for you to come out because how often do you get to see a one-legged man finish taking a crap? Second, the bathrooms will have a door, but the cracks in the door on the sides where the hinges are are so wide that there may as well be no door there anyway. Anybody with a wandering eye can catch you in your most intimate of situations maybe mumbling your own motivational bathroom chants to yourself, "Over the teeth and through the gums, look out toilet here it comes" or "I'm pooping out red meat from seven years ago right now." That's my personal favorite. Finally, and this has only happened to me in Vegas since I don't go to fancy restaurants normally, I hate when there's an actual bathroom attendant. That has to be the worst job imaginable, having to smell the shit of people who couldn't hold it long enough to get back to their hotel room. Also, you're supposed to tip this guy because he helps you clean up after you've taken a monster-dump. The germophobes out there know that money is already really dirty as it is, but throw a thumb that just accidentally brushed up against an asshole in there that's now touching some money, and it's off the charts.

That's really enough about pooping habits. If you feel the need to comment, don't comment about pooping if you're a girl because I've convinced myself that girls don't poop.

Interesting thought of the day:
1 out of 26 letters is F.