Sunday, August 08, 2004


There's a thing that people do that irritates me. Imagine that--me, irritated at something somebody does. Anyway, I hate when people "Raise the Roof." First, it just looks retarded. It's kind of like how you're supposed to applaud for deaf people--you know, how for deaf people you're supposed to raise your hands in the air and give them Jazz Hands? If you don't know what this looks like, The Dancers demonstrate that here:

So, I've always hated people that raise the roof in complete seriousness after they enjoy something. It just doesn't make any sense; the motion itself looks ridiculous, and it doesn't have the pinache that clapping does. Also, it seems to take a lot more effort than is necessary to convey to somebody that you are enjoying what they are doing. I've spent $40 million on scientific research that concludes, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Raising the Roof is much more physically taxing (it burns 60 calories per roof raise as compared to clapping's 27) and way more retarded looking than clapping. If clapping was Shannon Doherty's weird, misaligned eyeballs, Raising the Roof is Corky from Life Goes On. I can just imagine that this has happened somewhere more than once:

"Man, this food is fucking delicious!" The subtle "swish-swish" of the roof-raising gesture is the only thing besides the clinking of silverware and the slight sound of synapses of other people in the room working overtime trying not to scream at the guy and tell him what a fucking idiot he is for raising the roof at his $9.99 plate of all-you-can-eat shrimp from Red Lobster.

I've asked a very busy woman, the lead actress playing the title role of Annie in the all albino version of the play by the same name, to demonstrate what raising the roof is. Unfortunately, because of my disdain for this gesture, I ran her over with my truck thirty times after she did this.

It's okay, though. She stopped screaming after the third time. I guess now's a good time for a plug. Come see me performing the title role of Annie at the American Albino Playhouse in Los Angeles starting August 20th and ending September 19th.

The worst violation of people who perform this act is when people are at a comedy show and they raise the roof after a joke that they think is funny. If this caught on, then when people really enjoyed a joke, the place would be silent aside from the ruffling of Bomber jackets and gold chains. That's not what a comedian wants. They want laughter, applause, or a kick-ass punching bag.

Over the past year or so there was a lull in the roof-raising phenomenon, but I've noticed over the past month or two, that it has started to seep back into Americana. I hope that I've brought awareness to a serious problem that is sweeping the country. There are a couple charities that I'm associated with that are trying to fight this epidemic. The first charity is The Association for Roof Raising Reduction or ARRR! They're a group of pirates that sail around looking for people to plunder and pillage that they see raising the roof. They don't see very many because they're out in the middle of the ocean, but as soon as they do, somebody's getting a cannonball to the back of the head. The other charity is a group of people who call themselves DAODRTRBWAAGWAOP, Doctors Against Other Doctors Raising The Roof But We Aren't Any Good With Acronyms Or Photoshop.

Both of these are very worthwhile charities that I hope you will support.

Interesting thought of the day:
Baking soda does not, contrary to its name, taste anything like soda or baking. Although baking is more of an intangible idea and action than something that actually contains a flavor, I promise you, it would not taste like that.


Anonymous said...


Flesh said...

thank you puppy saver!

raising the roof is indeed stupid.

Fiercely said...

if you eat a puppy mello and I are gonna throw pies at you.

Mellody said...

yes, plz do not eat any puppies for I would liek to eat the pies rather than throw them =P

Anonymous said...

"DAODRTRBWAAGWAOP, Doctors Against Other Doctors Raising The Roof But We Aren't Any Good With Acronyms Or Photoshop."

LOL I think I peed myself.