Thursday, August 05, 2004

Spanish Is Expensive

So, with one quarter of school left until I graduate this fall, I checked my balance on my student account the other day just to make sure my financial aid was taking care of everything. I look at the damn thing and there's a charge for like sixty bucks in late fees. Wondering what I'm being charged for, I call my school and talk to some woman who I'm sure I called right in the middle of her lunchtime masturbation session, because she was a horrible old woman. She tells me that a Spanish Placement test (that I thought I'd test out of, but turns out I'm not as bueno con espanol as I thought) I took wasn't paid for. First, paying for tests is bullshit unless it's a pregnancy test or an AIDS test. Second, I asked the woman at the office when I took the test if financial aid would pay for it automatically and she said yes. So fuck them both. I talked the woman on the phone down from sixty bucks to thirty and a lesson in sweet make-loving like she's never had, but still, thirty bucks for a test that I didn't even fully pass is a horrible scam.

That wasn't particularly funny--I just had to vent. Sorry.

Speaking of AIDS tests, I did take an AIDS test once and, I'm proud to say, I passed it with flying colors. I didn't take the one that most people take, though. I heard that the way most people do it is by giving a blood sample that then goes to a lab where they insert your blood into the vagina of a starfish and, if you have AIDS, the starfish turns into a thousand butterflies which disappear in a cloud of glitter. My source for this information isn't very reliable, however, because I heard this from a homeless man who jabbed an icepick into my eye to "remove the camera." The AIDS test that I took was easy. It went like this:

Question 1
Do you have AIDS or HIV? (Check all that apply)
[]Yes, I have AIDS.
[]Yes, I have HIV.
[]I don't think I have AIDS.
[]I don't think I have HIV.

Question 2
Do you like me? (Check one)
[]Only as a friend.
[]Only as a friend but maybe more than a friend.

I answered 'No' to the first question and 'Only as a friend but maybe more than a friend' to the second. When the woman who gave me the test looked at my answers, she got all red in the face and started whispering to her friend who was sitting right next to her. Then I pulled her hair and ran away screaming, "Jennifer has AIDS!" Her name wasn't Jennifer, I just can't help but yell that out whenever I run anywhere--it's like those people with OCD that flip a lightswitch on and off eighty times whenever they enter a room.

I'm done now. I told myself I wouldn't write as much and try to entertain as little as possible; I think I've done my job.

No comments to my long-ass entry last time. I doubt anybody finished it. So, do what you will, cuntsplosions.


Mellody said...

@@ I need to talk to my boss and see if we can get those lunchtime masturbation sessions implemented in our office!

Gary said...

>I need to talk to my boss and see if we can get those
>lunchtime masturbation sessions implemented in our

I think our place has instigated this. It would explain why the place is full of wankers, certainly.

Flesh said...

I woke up at 4AM with diarrhea this morning.. but good point, paying for tests is bullshit