Monday, August 16, 2004

Florida, God Gearing Up For November Elections

In an effort to cleanse the state of senile old people and clueless white-trash, God decided to take the gayest-named hurricane to date and kick Florida's ass with it. Hurricane Charley (actually spelled like that--it's named after its Welsh grandmother) raped and murdered 16 Floridians because they were dumb and tried to fistfight the hurricane. Personally, I find "rape by hurricane" (my kickass new band name, also--we'll be performing at the House of Blues in Anaheim at a September 11th tribute show) to be one of the top five worst ways to die. Everybody knows you can't punch a hurricane; you have to use silver bullets. They're the werewolves of the national disaster circuit (coincidentally, Werewolves of the National Disaster Circuit is the name of my Fantasy Football team). Coincidences abound in this edition of the half-true news.

When reached for comment, God was quoted as saying, "It's their fault, really. I gave them Free Will, and they went and fucked it all up. So I took things into my own hands and wrecked a little shop." He went on to say, "Look, if they're too dumb to figure out what hole to punch when they're voting, then they really shouldn't exist in the first place. I feel partly responsible because I created them in my image, but, truthfully, I am not that fucking retarded."

I also managed to find what God called his "score sheet" when I was looking through his office when he stepped out to take a shit. Also, let me tell you, when God takes a shit, he clears the room; Paul the apostle said, "It's like the scent of a thousand shits from a thousand years of shits resting in the cradle of the biggest avocado colored toilet you've ever seen."

God's "Hurricane Charley" Score Sheet
  • I managed to lift a chubby Hispanic woman eighty feet in the air and, in a complete sense of Biblical irony, impale her on a wooden straw sticking out of a Slim Fast billboard.
  • I destroyed a mobile home park because, well, it's what everybody's come to expect of me, really. What's a hurricane without busted-up mobile homes? It's like a stripper without father issues or a glass of water without water. (editor's note: God is surprisingly bad with analogies)
He's a pretty weird individual and he's not as "perfect" as people have made him out to be. For one thing, his office was completely disorganized (there was a sign in the office that said, "I bless this mess") and he has horrible taste. He has one of those Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish things hanging in his office. Also, you'd think that God's voice would be this big, booming, authoritative voice, but it's really nasal. And, contrary to Mel Gibson's interpretation, he doesn't speak Aramaic. I asked him about this and he said he doesn't know where that came from and that he's heard Aramaic and has decided that it's a completely false language, like Klingon or Mexican.

Top Five Worst Ways to Die (in no particular order):
  • The aforementioned "rape by hurricane."
  • Beat up by midgets who formed together like Voltron to form one regular-sized person.
  • "Peared" to death (the medieval torture device, not the fruit) in all orifices at once.
  • Starved to death because you were stuck beneath that fat woman who became a part of her couch.
  • Being a full-term aborted fetus in Star Jones' womb.
Interesting thought of the day:
Magic Markers aren't really magic, but, because of their name, over three hundred Magic Markers were burned at the stake or drowned during the Salem Witch Trials.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Just when I think you couldn't say anything more offensive, you go and prove me wrong again. I've been reading your "material" for a few weeks now and I must say that I am madly in love you. If I had one wish, I would wish that we were both homosexual males, because I'm sure we would fall in love. After I made that wish, I would've realized that I was once a heterosexual male and I could've just wished for you to be a beautiful woman, but to hell with that thought. You should be in every major city.

-Smiley Matt