Sunday, August 01, 2004

A Village of Supremacists!

The past two days I've seen two movies, if you do the math longhand, you'll come to find out that that's an average of almost one movie per day. It's close, but I think I'm rounding somewhere to get that number--it's not exact. I'm going to talk about the movies, but I'll try to steer clear of spoiling it for you (Bruce Willis is dead the whole time!!).

Das Village

In M. Night Shyamalan's fourth movie that's not a shitty movie that involves Rosie O'Donnell as a homely nun who plays baseball (I'm just guessing from the picture on the box, I had my fill of Rosie O'Donnell as a lesbian who plays baseball with A League of Their Own), Night (who I will refrain from referring to as Shamalamadingdong or anything like that because it's been beaten to death worse than Laci Peterson and her heathen baby) takes Joaquin Phoenix and Opie's daughter and drops them in the middle of a town that's full of Amish people and William Hurt's grizzly attitude and voice.

It's hard to talk about this movie without giving a lot away, so I'm going to make stuff up that doesn't really happen in the movie and review that. Let's just say that I've read reviews of The Village and it wasn't reviewed that great. I enjoyed it, but it's not one of those movies that you can watch over again like The Sixth Sense or The He-Man movie! I was so in love with the He-Man cartoon when I was a kid, I think I experienced my first man-erection when I saw this movie in the theaters. Anyway, in the pretend world of what happens in the movie, Joaquin Phoenix, who is a known necrophiliac, gets caught building a steam-powered robot without permission of the rest of the village. The village people hate technology and cast Joaquin and his robot out of the village (now, here I'm referring to the people that live in the village in the movie, not the music group, but, it is a little-known fact that the Village People also hate technology). Opie's daughter decides that she's leaving and that she's in love with Joaquin because she saw him in Signs so she's going to hunt him down in the woods. But, the woods are said to be haunted by other known necrophiliacs and she'll never get out of there alive. Then, at the end of the movie, Joaquin and Opie-ette are embracing in the center of the village after they've murdered everybody else and Joaquin has sodomized each and every one of them while singing "Let's Get it Started" by The Black Eyed Peas. Now, I have to say that this took me out of the movie because how would he know this song? They must have tried to cash in on the success of the song so they decided to screw realism and use it anyway. But, the big twist at the end is that, while you thought that the robot was just a robot, it turns out that he's the only real thing there and he built Joaquin and Tom Bosley's granddaughter as his own robots because he really liked Gladiator and Happy Days. And, the only thing that robots know how to do is build people-robots that sodomize other dead people-robots; it's like their fuel. I remember at this part just shaking my head thinking, Knight, you've done it again, you clever bastard. There's one final twist at the end that I won't give away here, but let's just say it involves a pie-eating contest, twenty sequential Michigan license plates, and a macaroni necklace. I probably gave too much away right there; it's pretty easy to figure out.

Supreme Supremacy and Redundant Redundancy!

Matt Damon needs to always play a guy who's pissed off about stuff but doesn't really show it until he totally punches a guy in the throat before you can even blink. It's like Matt Damon is two people: He's a regular guy who wears a lot of sweaters, but then he's also this totally awesome killing machine that won't hesitate to toe-punch a woman in the vagina.

Matt Damon is Jason Bourne, a...born...killing machine. You see what I did there? With the words and the puns? Man, I'm on fire like that kid David whose dad hated the way he slept so he threw gas and a match on him in his sleep. He's back and he's mad because people won't stop following him and making him be wicked cool in public by karate chopping guys in the eyes while driving a rickshaw. I don't know why he's mad at people for making him show off in public; maybe he's just trying to be modest in front of his girlfriend. If I could stop bullets with my mind like he can, I'd show it off all the time. Maybe Ben Affleck asked him to stop being so cool so people would go see more of his movies like Forces of Nature and Matt's trying to help him out.

Anyway, there's lots of cool car chases and shaky cameras that make it seem like you're really there, videotaping it, and you have Parkinson's. I love feeling like a character in the movie--especially when I get to be Michael J. Fox. I think the people around me got mad because I kept yelling at the screen, "Doc, you're telling me you built a time machine out of a Delorean?"

In all seriousness, there was a woman behind me who thought her kids would really love to see an action movie at two o'clock in the afternoon so she just had to take all three of them with her while she sat there fantasizing about how Matt Damon would take her away from her shitty, scroungy-ass kids. For the most part, the kids were fine, but about seventeen twentyfourths of the way through the film, the little boy, who was probably 6 or 12 or 9, decided that he was hungry. Again, this would have been fine with me if the kid behind me ate. I'm all for kids eating once every couple of days. The bad part, though, was that the woman snuck some food in--again, I don't care, theater shit's expensive--but she snuck it in in the LOUDEST GODDAMN PLASTIC BAG ON THE PLANET. And she couldn't just take the shit out of the bag and throw the bag on the floor. No! I'm pretty sure she was trying to get all of the wrinkles out of the bag because it sounded like somebody behind me was rolling around in a big-ass pile of leaves in my ear. I'm not one to yell at people at movie theaters (though I do have a story about this that I'll probably talk about some time in the future), but I turned around, stabbed the kid in the throat like my new idol Matt Damon, and kept watching the movie. The bag stopped making noise.

Here are my ratings for the two movies:
The Village gets yellow and The Bourne Supremacy gets a Trapper Keeper with a unicorn on the front.

Word of advice of the day:
When people say "I could care less," please end their life right there with whatever means necessary because they don't deserve to speak anymore. Or you can calmly explain to them that it's "I couldn't care less." I prefer doing the first one because I've looked into it and killing somebody is completely legal if the person who is killed is a moron. It's like a Citizen's arrest but with murder.

Okay, I've given you all time to bring your friends here, now they must comment or I will start docking your pay. Remember, you get to punch them in the face when you tell them about my website; how could this deal get any sweeter? I'll tell you how. If somebody comes here and comments saying that somebody referred them here, I'll give both the referrer and the referree (the one who is referred, not the person who always calls me for travelling--TWO STEPS, BITCH) a very rare strain of whatever STD they want. I'm not like most people with STDs, I've become so used to them that I can pick and choose which ones I would like to give to people. I don't want to brag or anything, but I've got Bacterial Vaginosis--guys normally can't even get this. It's like Pokemon--Collect them all! Or you can email me and tell me you're going to end my current unemployment.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

haha nice reviews!

Dave said...

Maybe I'll have to try the karate chop to the throat next time someone says "I could care less". Oh, how I hate that phrase! Say what you mean you lazy bitch!