Tuesday, August 17, 2004

The Olympics Are Positively Racist!

I'm sick of people always calling racism when it's only about bad things, like how black people always steal stuff, Mexican people always pick oranges and dance to horn music, or how white people can't dance and can't steal stuff or pick oranges. Well, I'm happy to say that the Olympics are here to change all that negative racism and turn racism into something even the family can enjoy.

I'm not very gay, but sometimes I have my gay moments. One of the ways that I "gay out" is by watching women's gymnastics when the Olympics come around. Now, I could try to cover it up by saying something macho like, "I watch it because the girls are hot and flexible" but, honestly, it's like watching ten-year-old boys flip around. Wait a minute, that DOES give me an erection. Anyway, so I'm watching women's gymnastics, and the commentators (one, I think, is named Elfi--a problem of its own) make sweeping statements about the people from the countries. They say things like, "The Chinese are the masters of the uneven bars." What? You bitch. I can't believe they get away with saying things like this. Where's the FCC to crack down on this bullshit? I'll let this slide once, maybe just the gymnastics commentators are racist, so I continued to watch. Swimming came up and there was a girl from Zimbabwe there. Cool, good for Zimbabwe; they finally got swimming pools. But, the announcer just couldn't let it go. He said, "The Zimbabweans are really good at the start," I was fine up to here, but then he went on to say, "it's no wonder that they've got a white girl swimming for Zimbabwe because everybody knows black people are afraid of the water and get diarrhea from drinking chocolate milk." Now that's just ridiculous. Black people are no more lactose intolerant than white people, but they are much more Sickle-Celly. I've already drafted an angry letter about this.


Dear Olympics,

As a mother of two, raising my full-blooded Eskimo daughters in the anti-Eskimo state of Delaware, I'm very upset at your Olympic coverage. I did not buy my twin daughters from the Eskimo black market and move them to Delaware just to have them endure racism from every angle. Your Olympic coverage made me want to get a refund for my daughters, or at least sell them for parts, so that they wouldn't have to be brought up in such a racist society. I've since rethought this and decided to keep one--the one that's not such a whore--and I gave the other one to a bear at the zoo because he looked hungry; we all know how bears love the taste of infant Eskimo flesh.

Your commentators covering the Olympics, including the French and Jew-hating Bob Costas, were constantly, and without hesitation, throwing out racial remarks like they were going out of style. Well, I'll tell you what, racism was never in style. I mean, for a while there it was starting to get popular with the children's TV show, Teenage Mutant Ninja Racists, but that was stopped when the toys came out and each figure came with a free cross-burning kit. But, Mr. Olympics, for the most part, racism has never been in style and I don't like you trying to promote it with your incessant talk of "The Romanians are fantastic on the balance beam" or "Those Russians sure do like to drink and/or fuck penguins because it's so cold in Russia."

In closing, I'd like a written letter of apology hand-signed by the president of the Olympics, Zeus, and an autographed poster of Christopher Hewitt (better known as Mr. Belvedere). If my demands are not met, I'll take my claims to the ACLU where we will surely stop the racist Olympics from continuing on by starting Olympics of our own with events such as "Synchronized Vomiting," "Mixed Doubles Child Molestation," and "Team Eyeball Smashing." We're sure our Olympics can be successful and without all of the racist overtones that yours have.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Barbara Bush


Now, some of the letter may contain half-truths, but it's merely for emphasis and to get my point across. I can't wait to hear back from them because I really need that Mr. Belvedere autograph to start and complete my collection of autographs from famous, chubby, gay, British guys.

Interesting thought of the day:
If you're a girl and you can fit your own fist in your mouth and you show this to guys, you're a whore. I can stick four fingers in my urethra, sideways, but I don't go showing it off, because I'm not a floozy like you are.

2 comments:

Flesh said...

". I can stick four fingers in my urethra, sideways, but I don't go showing it off, because I'm not a floozy like you are."


Ouch :P

this one girl.... said...

go get 'em, barbara! *laughs and wipes a tear* i especially would enjoy the synchronized vomiting :)