Thursday, August 26, 2004

Scratch and Burn!

This entry isn't about the new line of stickers I'm coming out with that smell like delicious Pepper Spray. No, the formal announcement for my new sticker line won't come out until Fall. It's time I write about Vagisil.

I don't know the ins and outs of exactly how or what this magical ointment does, but the commercials do a fantastic job of making me feel uncomfortable. They say how it will ease--and these are their words--the "itching and smell." Okay, gross. But, they don't stop there. They show some lady who is obviously overjoyed that, finally, her vagina doesn't burn or stink anymore. I guess I'd be ecstatic if, for weeks on end, my cock felt like it was being boiled in a pot of bleach and piranas, and all I had to do was apply a salve, but the commercial doesn't let it end there. This woman's happy because her vagina doesn't have the flu anymore, so, they decide to show just what it's capable of doing now that it's rejuvenated. They have the woman doing things that highlight her ladyparts. I don't mean she puts glowsticks or flares in there (though that would totally sell me on buying some Vagisil), but they no longer show her face and it's pretty much a shot of her vagina going crazy. She's doing these exercises that nobody ever does unless they're showing off the fact they've got maximum extension of their entire vaginal region. The first exercise was okay, it was a woman doing lunges, but the second one they showed was the same woman, naked from the waist down, and a midget was speedbagging her labia. Then it showed a shot of her face where she just stood there with a smug look on her face like, "Nope. I don't feel a thing. Thanks, Vagisil!"

That's how you write a long paragraph containing complete overusage of the word "vagina." I've got a lot of euphemisms for the man's beef-wand, but I just don't have as many for the woman's parts, so you'll have to either supply me with more, or deal with it.

Made-up Aphorism of the day:
A broken arm is worse than a broken heart. At least with a broken heart, you can still masturbate.


Gary said...

>so you'll have to either supply me with more, or deal with it.

I chose the former :)

-Beef curtains
-Fish mitten
-Velcro triangle / Velcro valley
-Vertical bacon sandwhich

Shamelessly nicked from the Profanisauraus: -

Flesh said...

pink taco is my favorite!

this one girl.... said...

well, there's always the following:
*mound of venus
*hairy cherry
*sideways smiley
*man in the boat