News Orgy!

Robert Downey, Jr. found and quickly married the world's first woman made of 100% pure, uncut cocaine. The only info we were given is that her name is Susan Levin and she weighs 47,627 grams.

The Bigfoot tape for people even nerdier than Bigfoot enthusiasts has been released. You heard me right, bird watchers. A blurry, inconclusive video containing what some claim is the ivory-billed woodpecker, a thought-to-be long-extinct species, was shown at the annual meeting of the American Ornithologists Union. Not so coincidentally, this was also the week The 40 Year Old Virgin was released.

And, right now, as I'm typing this, the best thing that has ever happened on television, and I'm not using hyperbole, is transpiring. Diddy (formerly known as nine other goofy-ass and equally self-important nicknames, Puff Daddy being one), is "conducting" an orchestra on the Video Music Awards. He gets quotes because he's "conducting" an orchestra just like you would if somebody gave you one of those sticks and a bunch of angry people with violins. You know, he's moving his shoulders a lot, so that has to count for something. But, from what little I've seen of the show, it looks like it may be the worst one yet, so it may be worth a larger write-up later on.

Well, I just saw this, so it's kind of a segue. Man, segue sure is an ugly looking set of letters for such a pretty word. It's the "but she's got a great personality" of nouns.

Anyway, Suge Knight, the guy who probably had Diddy's rotund friend, The Notorious B.I.G., murdered, got the proverbial cap busted in his proverbial ass. Well, except the cap wasn't proverbial, it was real. The ass, however, was proverbial, and, instead, meant his leg. According to The Guardian, a guy wearing a hooded sweatshirt shot him. Police have only released this sketch.
Finally, the world's largest wet t-shirt contest is about to go down when Hurricane Best Buy rocks the shit out of New Orleans. People are speculating that it could completely wipe out the entire area. This would be devastating to thousands and thousands of girls who like to wake up with unexpectedly sore assholes, a Girls Gone Wild tank top, and some of her best friend's pubic hair in her mouth.

Interesting thought of the day:
Pre-cracked raw oysters are not an aphrodisiac unless you're trying to fuck a sea otter.