Monday, December 19, 2005

Another Casualty in the War on Christmas!

This is getting out of hand. At first it was kind of funny. People that work at Wal-Mart are being instructed to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" this year. That's cute. Now some people on the right are calling for a boycott of Target and Wal-Mart for their anti-Christmas attitudes. Because that's what it is: anti-Christmas. If you're trying to include others by using a more vague term like Happy Holidays, you're anti-Christmas. Now go drink at your non-Christian water fountain. This one here only serves Holy Water.

Anyway, so I thought that was going a little far in the so-called "War on Christmas," but I figured it would stop there. But it hasn't. The liberals have now gone too far. That's what happens in these situations. It starts off playful and slightly jovial, then somebody has to go and escalate some shit. It's like when you're play fighting with your girlfriend and you slap her in the face, call her a whore, and tell her that you fantasize about having sex with her mother. And of course it was the liberals who went over the line.

It's being reported that the unspeakable has happened: Santa Claus has been murdered. Police are hot on the trail of the prime suspect, the epitome of liberalism at its worst: a gay, black Jew.

Santa Claus (née Kris Kringle) was going through his normal routine this time of year. He was making a dry run of all the houses of good Christian boys and girls that he would be visiting this Christmas Eve and also dropping a hot, yuletide crap on all of the heathen's doorsteps when he was accosted by the suspect. It is said that he was stabbed, prison-style, with what appears to be a Menorah filed down into a seven-bladed shiv.

Mr. Kringle is survived by his wife and eight tiny reindeer. Those close to him hope his memory won't be tarnished by the discovery upon his death of a slave labor ring employing the physically challenged buried deep within the North Pole.

The liberals fear retaliation for what one renegade gay, black Jew has done. A spokesperson insists that his actions do not represent the opinions of the liberal majority. Fearing for his safety, however, Harvey Fierstein (the Jewish equivalent of Santa Claus) has retreated to an undisclosed location.

It is the opinion of this reporter that we have not seen the last of this "War on Christmas." I fear, to quote The Carpenters, it's only just begun. Sean Hannity was seen biting the jugular of a black man who wished him "Happy Holidays" while walking down the street. It's been reported that Hannity didn't even hear the man say "Happy Holidays," he just routinely murders black people.Interesting thought of the day:
The hardest working man in sports? The ghost man on first.

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