Monday, December 05, 2005

Bill O'Reilly, You Should Write a Song!

That guy is like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a spoon.

I just heard him say on his show, "I have no intent at all to commercialize Christmas. I have respect for the Holiday." Knowing that he kind of has a tendency to contradict himself, I decided to check out his website.

A wreath in the upper left corner. That's festive. Certainly not exploiting the Holiday of Christmas--merely celebrating it. Maybe he's not such a hypocrite. Then I look over to the right side and see a big-ass ad for his "O'Reilly Christmas Store." Now, I don't know much about words or book-learning, but I think commercialize means "To apply methods of business to for profit." But, I'm not as smart as Bill O'Reilly; he won a Peabody Award. Oh, well, a Polk Award. Whatever, they're exactly the same thing. One can easily understand how one can confuse them.

There has been a big stink this year about the "secularizing" of Christmas. And, when I say "big stink," I mean "fake uproar substantiated by the press." And, when I say "secularizing," I have no idea what that word means.

As some of you may have been able to figure out by reading this blog, I'm an atheist. You'd have to really read between the lines to get it, but it's there. Trust me. But I don't see a problem with people saying "Merry Christmas" to me. I still celebrate Christmas even though I find its basis to be completely insignificant. To me, Christmas is an excuse for people, families, and friends to get together and not be dicks to each other once a year. Also, homeless people need to eat even though they're crazy and smell like curdled ass.

I don't care if Target or Wal-Mart has a sign up that says "Merry Christmas." If they had something that said, "Jesus says, 'Buy an iPod for your kid this year (and don't forget the new CD from Black Eyed Peas, y'all!)'" that would bother me. But things bearing the symbol of Santa Claus and elves and shit like that is fine because it removes the religion from Christmas and, instead, celebrates it on its merits of giving and receiving and goodwill toward men and all that shit.

Do you realize how fucking crazy the entire Santa Claus thing actually is? First, I'm sure there's a wikipedia entry about how Santa Claus came into being, but, without understanding or looking up the evolution (sorry, intelligent design) of the mythology (sorry, intelligent design), it's fucking bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. There's a fat guy who flies through the air in one night in some sort of supernatural Iditarod Race who passes out toys made by elves to all of the good boys and girls.

What the fuck? And when I was a kid, this was completely plausible. I was like, "Yeah. And don't forget about the reindeer with the lightbulb as a nose who helps to guide the sleigh when it's cloudy." I ate that shit up. And so do millions of kids. But, kids realize after a while how ridiculous all of this is. Good for them. But, still, there are millions of grown adults who believe that there was a woman 2,000 years ago who got pregnant by an omnipotent being who created the universe. Then, this kid was able to walk on water like a superhero and do other miraculous feats. And millions of people see that as completely plausible. Isn't it more likely that the Virgin Mary was a little freaky deaky, got knocked up before she got married, and made up some excuse so she wouldn't get stoned to death for being a "harlot"?

But, wait! Then we wouldn't get presents! Never mind. You guys keep believing that last part. I'll believe the part about the flying fat guy who slides down chimneys before I believe the part about Aquaman Christ.

Why do I write this stuff when I know some of my readers are Christians and other god-believing peoples? Because I can, bitches. Steve Holt!

Interesting thought of the day:
Catorce, the Spanish word for fourteen, is what Hispanic men yell out when they hejaculate. Yes, hejaculate. CATORCE!

2 comments:

Freakazojd said...

Heeeeeeeeey brother. This is one of my faves so far.
And Arrested Development is the BEST.

tastygiant said...

bill oreilly is a cock. your blog rocks.