Thursday, December 29, 2005

New Year's Resolutions!

It's that time of year when the virtual odometer of life starts back at zero for some people. Normally I'm very against the complete arbitrariness that is the New Year's resolution, but it was my resolution last year to take resolutions seriously this year.

The following are my resolutions for 2006 and beyond.

  • No more bacon, cheese, butter, and steak "health shakes" to start the morning.
  • No more mornings. Those start way too early.
  • Start carrying actual money around to pay for things instead of hugs.
  • Get in touch with lost girlfriends and crushes. This year, no more pictures of my cock close up with the phrase "I Miss You" sent as an email icebreaker.
  • Wear more kerchiefs. Just wear the hell out of 'em.
  • Bake a layer cake for Tony Danza's birthday. I will make him love me.
  • Learn what the word "hepatitis" means so I can finally start telling people the great things the doctors have been telling me to let everybody know about me.
  • Release new hit single "Blood in my stool (Love in my heart)" on iTunes.
  • Write pop-up autobiography.
  • Find, kill, and skin a midget. Wear its hide as a sign of my fertility.
  • Give more "high tens."
  • Stop calling everybody "my nigga." Especially Grandma.
  • Become a werewolf.
  • Realize that the Canoes at Disneyland isn't a ride if you have to actually do work. Rides are fun, work isn't (unless your work includes the word "Wheeeeee!" a lot).
  • Paint a self-portrait of somebody else.
  • While looking up "hepatitis," look up "oxymoron."
  • Give a eulogy somewhere and include the phrase, "More pure than a glass of Papal diarrhea."
  • Blink sometimes. It's not a sign of weakness and more women will probably continue conversations with me.
  • Learn to be more intolerant of others.
  • Become more decisive.
  • Or don't.
What are you guys changing for the New Year? Are you all going to try to stop being so fucking stupid? How 'bout it?

My heretofore unwritten resolution is to completely alienate any audience I have. And use the word heretofore doing it.

Interesting thought of the day:
Not too many people know that the literal translation of the lyrics to the song "La Bamba" is a delicious recipe for salsa.

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