Monday, December 26, 2005

Assumami!

I haven't been paying attention to the news the past couple of days because I've been holed up inside a Buddhist temple as I do every Christmas. I drink my unfiltered urine until I am at one with myself again. It is then and only then that I allow myself to re-join civilization.

So, I went to google news to see what was going on, and found that the world as I knew it had changed (and, in my estimation, for the better).

I saw this headline: Glitter police 'drop rape charge'

Many things went through my head as to exactly what this headline could mean, and they were all awesome.

  • There's been an overhaul of one branch of the criminal justice system as a direct result of Brokeback Mountain. This new law enforcement unit is populated by only the most fabulous of gentlemen and they call themselves the Glitter Police. "Freeze! You have the right to remain fierce."
  • A new offensive weapon has been released. It's a huge grenade filled with hundreds of giant rubber cocks that, when deployed, using advanced robotics, artificial intelligence, and, most importantly, the ever-advancing field of dildotronics, search out and occupy with great and repetitive force any warm orifice. This is referred to as "dropping a rape charge." There has been an overabundance of these being "accidentally used" at the hands of the aforementioned Glitter Police.
  • Finally, I had hoped that a new universal standard of single quotes had been decided upon as the way in which to convey sarcasm in writing. And the BBC decided to use it in the most inappropriate manner. "They 'dropped the rape charge' because he's 'not guilty'. That girl was 'asking for it.'"
It turns out, though, that it's actually a story about a 61-year-old former rocker who moved to Vietnam because it's easier to get away with raping young girls there. Tis the Season!

You know what takes the sting out of murder? Rhyme! At least the New York Daily News thinks so with this headline: Woman fatally stabbed--parolee nabbed

I think they're on to something here.
  • Baby drowns in pool--totally uncool!
  • Suicide bomb kills thirty--Ouch! Shrapnel hurty!
  • Train derails, all feared lost--driver was sauced!
  • Nuclear plant melts down--T-rex-armed babies for an entire town!
  • Child shot on playground--loses at tetherball on way down!
It does work! Thanks, New York Daily News.

Interesting thought of the day:
Debbie Gibson once stabbed Mayim Bialik (Blossom) for what Ms. Gibson referred to as, "Because that bitch be wearing all my hats and shit."

2 comments:

Serena said...

I didn't want to laugh...really I didn't.

Jimbo the Angry Clown said...

If we would have used Rape Charges in Iraq, we would be done by now.