Friday, December 02, 2005

"Congratulations! You're the 1000th Caller!"

Says Death.

Finally, after waiting for 29 years since the death penalty's reinstatement, we have our 1000th customer. The lucky winner is murderer Kenneth Lee Boyd.

In a distasteful twist, his last words were, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night." I'm sure Lorne Michaels paid a pretty penny for that publicity--pants pencils paprika poppycock.

Much like the first baby born each year, the 1000th executed prisoner has received some very lucrative endorsement deals. For instance, like every person who is to be executed, Kenneth Boyd received a last meal. Unlike those other prisoners, though, he didn't actually get to choose what he ate; those rights were sold to the highest bidder. Many companies fought for this right, but only one won out.

You're about to be executed. You are allowed one final meal. What do you choose? Well, Kenneth Lee Boyd, recipient of America's 1000th execution chose the new RAZR phone from Motorola. With our 2.1 Megapixel camera with both still picture and video capabilities, text messaging, downloadable games, and built-in MP3 player, the RAZR is not only the sleekest mobile phone on the market, but the most delicious. And it's low in carbs.

On screen: a plate with a RAZR phone sitting on it. Kenneth Boyd holding a knife and a fork.

Kenneth Boyd: I'm supposed eat this? It's a fucking phone.

With this milestone, the death penalty is back in the media spotlight which means its detractors will be in the spotlight as well. Personally, I don't have a problem with the death penalty. I mean, nothing teaches people that killing is bad better than public murder. It reminds me of when I was a kid and I would accidentally wet my bed in my sleep. My dad, in order to teach me that it was bad, would piss all over me the next night while I slept. "See how your bed likes it?" he'd say. Ahh, life lessons.

But, I think in order to make the death penalty more accepted by a lot of people, they should kind of change things up a bit. It seems like the only way they execute people now is with lethal injection. Boring! At least they used to use things like the gas chamber and the electric chair where it was easier to watch them squirm. But, I think I'd like to go old school with this shit: lions--lots of hungry lions. That would be awesome. Or, what about this? We take the person up in an airplane somewhere over the U.S. and just drop him (or her) out. But, in order to make it fun for everybody, we hot glue a phone number to him and, whoever finds him and calls the number wins a $500 shopping spree at Best Buy? Or, we do this with multiple inmates and do a Golden Ticket type thing. I haven't quite figured out the logistics of it yet.

All I'm saying is that just because it's number 1000 doesn't mean we need to look at it like, "Boo hoo. We've killed 1000 people. We're just as murdery as they are." Instead, we just need to find ways to make killing fun and we wouldn't have to worry about all this hullabaloo. I'm working on a similar thing with abortions and youth soccer; but that's all I can say about it so far.

Interesting thought of the day:
Pillowfights in prison are exactly like those outside of prison, except, in prison, the closing anal rape is a little more unforgiving.

1 comment:

Freakazojd said...

Jesus Christ, you're so fucking irreverent. I love it. And, I dare say, the word 'hullabaloo' just doesn't get used often enough.