Sentences Are Funnier with Numbers next to Them!

Lots of people make lists when they're trying to encapsulate a category of humorous items all under the same heading--most famously done by David Letterman with his nightly Top Ten Lists.

I now know why they do these things: It's a way to write some (questionably) funny things without having to put them in any sort of real context. It is with this reason that I, too, will be joining the Society of Listers (SoLs).

Today, I present to you, the list of however many I decide to do of things that a bear would think if he was in a supermarket.

Things That a Bear Would Think If He Was in a Supermarket

1. When will they stop writing about Brangelina? Enough already! I hate bees.
2. Hot Pockets 2 for $3? That's a pretty good deal. I love catching salmon in streams.
3. Should I get the two gallons of milk for $5 or the one gallon for $3.50? Who am I kidding? I won't drink two gallons before they expire. My top run speed is 25 miles per hour.
4. Does anybody ever buy the sandals that they sell here? I would buy them and eat them because I'm a bear and I don't know any better.
5. Is this cashier a homo?
6. That little girl in the shopping cart is a cutie. I'd maul the shit out of her.
7. Of course, I get stuck with the cart with the screwy wheel. I'll bet I could jump over one of these with a running start because of my powerful hindquarters.

And there it is. I had to end on powerful hindquarters. So, today it was seven. Tomorrow it could be a hundred. That's what's so awesome about being me; I never know what I'm going to do. And, also, the way that I smell.

The State of the Union Is Extreme!

On Tuesday, January 31, the 43rd greatest President of the United States is going to give his State of the Union address. I've been lucky enough to get a hold of an advanced copy of his speech. Needless to say, things are going to be pretty much the same this year as they've always been.

Health Care

He's going to propose a drastic change to the country's Health Care system. This will include allowing every American to see a faith healer with zero out-of-pocket expenses. He's also going to start a system where you can, for a small donation of $5,000, send him a letter (hand-written, no email--we'll get to that later) requesting for him, Jesus's President, to pray for you. And this is only for health-related concerns. You have to purchase a bigger package (available for $10,000 and up) in order for him to make a non-medical-related prayer on your behalf. And, if you donate $100,000 or more, he'll request that all the "good American people" pray on your behalf as well.

He's also going to introduce his new "Cocaine and cereal" diet for the children of America. The following is a direct excerpt from his speech:

"You know, Cap'n Crunch and a little nostril confetti. Hell, that's all I had for four years of college and I was thin as a rail. Besides, my new Drug Czars, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan, swear by it."

Big Gulps

Again, this is verbatim from his speech.

"Big Gulps are awesome. Have you ever had the Double Gulp? It's twice as much Mountain Dew as a regular Gulp. Effective immediately, the new official drink of the United States and the Winter Olympic Games is the Mountain Dew Code Red Double Gulp. You ever go snowboarding and you wish you had 128 ounces of soda with you in one easy-to-carry, non-spill briefcase? Well, America. You're welcome."

Magic


"I realize this may sound silly, but magic is real, people. I'm not talking David Copperfield. That guy's all show. But have you guys ever heard of this David Blaine fellow? Now that guy is real magic. I don't throw this around lightly, though I did say the same thing about Michael Jordan, the guy who invented doughnuts, and Crocodile Dundee, but he could very well be the new Jesus. No lie. I saw him grab this chicken and pull its head off only to put it back on a few second later and it was fine--like it didn't just have its head ripped off. Now, maybe you're like, 'It was a trick chicken, like the hilarious rubber ones or something.' No. It was a real live chicken. But, if you don't believe that, that's fine. This dude levitated, man. Straight off the ground like six inches. And you could tell that it was real because after he did it he was all tired."

Gay Marriage

"I know it's been a hot-button issue lately, but...What does that even mean? A hot-button issue? That's a weird saying. I'll bet that somebody made that up. Well, I guess all words are made up. In fact, I'm going to make up a new word right now: hat. That's my new word: hat. Wait. That's already a real word. My real new word, and this is the going to be the official word of the United States (and the Winter Olympic Games), is the Lambada. Maybe it's not technically a new word, but it's no longer 'forbidden.'"

"Back to the gays. They're still not getting married. Fuck them." (editor's note: This probably won't make it to broadcast and will probably be changed to something like, "I love gay people, but marriage is between a man and a woman and it will stay that way as long as a 2,000-year-old book makes the laws--and that's forever.")

Computers

"Look, I know that these computers are sweeping the nation, but I'm going to be honest with you: I can't check my email. The guy who works on the White House computers says that mine can't receive email. I don't know why. I just got it for Christmas this year. It was supposed to help me with my spelling. As some of you know, I am not very good in that area. So, Laura got me this little laptop computer. It's red, has a handle on top, and when I punch in the letters on the keyboard, it speaks the letters out, spelling them to me."

Iraq

"Blah blah blah. I can't hear you."

Fishing with People Who Have Played Robots on Film and/or Television: Week 2!

As you may have been able to guess, we had one hell of an opening week here at Fishing with People Who Have Played Robots on Film and/or Television (heretofore to be referred to as Robo-Cod).

Things started off with the spotlight on one extraordinary young man, and the spotlight never left.

D.A.R.Y.L. (the non-aging Data Analyzing Robot Youth Lifeform) had never fished before. In fact, he had spent time near some water once, but it was an uncomfortable situation where old people lived in cocoons at the bottom of a YMCA swimming pool in order to try to live forever. This was his first time near the water since that traumatic event.

He shared a different strategy than his opponents, the lovely (and not technically underage since she's not a human) Vicki from Small Wonder, Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation and the short-lived, but critically-hailed Cooking with Cyborgs show on Bravo, and Optimus Prime from that robot makeover show.

I think he wanted to stand out from the others since he had heard some voices on the opening days of the competition. He couldn't quite pinpoint where they were coming from, but they were all saying the same thing, "Who the fuck is D.A.R.Y.L. and why didn't you guys get Paul Walker out there instead?" Well, first, I had to do some research, but Paul Walker isn't actually a robot though his acting ability may prove otherwise. I performed tests on him and he is not, in fact, an artificial being. So we had to ask D.A.R.Y.L. to appear.

He was determined to prove to those invisible voices just who he was.

He conferred with his mentor, the King of the Fish People, to figure out which strategy would be best.He told young D.A.R.Y.L. that if there's one thing fish hate, it's Mexicans. But, since D.A.R.Y.L. didn't know any Mexicans or what those even were, he would have to pursue plan B. "Well, if you don't know any Mexicans, I guess fish also hate books. They especially hate being read to."

With this in mind, perpetually-young D.A.R.Y.L. set out with a plan. He would bore the fish to their own deaths. He had found a book which seemingly had no conclusion which he thought would be perfect to use. All it would take would be to curl up with the book by the water and just read this "Neverending Story" into the lake until the fish killed themselves and floated to the surface.

Of course, he's simply a gullible robot and didn't realize that the man he was talking to wasn't actually the King of the Fish People, since that's just silly and no such person exists. That man was actually a homeless guy who has had thirty surgeries so far to try to repair the dorsal fin-shaped tumor branching out of his head. He did not set out to deceive young D.A.R.Y.L., for he actually believes what he says, but that is because of the extreme amount of pressure on his brain from the aforementioned giant tumor. He is neither King of the Fish People nor able to walk through walls and turn invisible at will.

Yet D.A.R.Y.L., unaware of this information, tried his plan out. To his credit, he did everything he could.Even when times got rough and it started raining, D.A.R.Y.L. simply shouted out at the heavens, "MEXICANS!" in hopes that this would infuriate the fish and they would erupt from the water ready to do battle.This did not happen. As fish do not hate Mexicans; they hate Jews.

His tiny robot soul was crushed (yes, robots do have souls which are 1/100th the size of human beings--but still infinitely larger than the non-existant souls of retarded people).

Smelling depression and low self-esteem in the air like a shark smelling blood, a nearby pedophiliac dragon swooped down to try to cheer D.A.R.Y.L. up while hoping to satisfy some urges of his own. The two flew off into the sunset never to be seen from again. It's speculated that, when the dragon found out that D.A.R.Y.L. did not have genitals like a normal boy (he actually has an electrical outlet), he was subjected to the anal Habitrail (a complex system of tunnels which, if he made the wrong turn, left him staring at the inside of a dragon's anus) where he would live out the rest of his eternal life.Next week: Down to three contestants, Data, Vicki, and Optimus Prime. Who's the next to go?

I...Love Comics!

No more I Hate Comics Tuesdays. Sorry, kids. It's boring to me.

Maybe they'll be back on an irregular basis (just like my bloody stools), but, for now, they're dead.

If you'd like to say a few words in its memory, feel free. Once the ceremonies are over, it will be cremated and its ashes will be spread all over the filthy floors of its favorite neighborhood peep show left to be covered in the semen of random perverts just as it was metaphorically covered in my own hate-semen during its life.

Count McDracula!

A woman in Delaware (whose state motto is, "Delaware: Our major export is people!") has filed a lawsuit against a McDonald's because she says that the sundae she bought for her 12-year-old son contained blood.

The more likely explanation, however, is that some strawberry topping accidentally got on the boy's frozen confection. Well, either that or Rhonda, the woman whose vagina miraculously dispenses frozen yogurt (and also has perfect pitch) was on her period.With as sue-happy as people are, I hope that this ushers in a new era of even more frivolous lawsuits.

I promise you, within the year, somebody's going to sue Olive Garden because when they shut their eyes and put their hands in the pasta, it feels like BRAINS! Gross! Totally sick!

I think I'm going to finally sue Wendy's just so they stop it with the square hamburgers. I get it! You're different. You love geometry and meat. That makes two of us. But you need to take a page from the Prince Carnivore of Beefington at Burker King and let me have it my way. Now start making with the rhombus-shaped slabs of beef STAT.

Interesting thought of the day:
"Terrence, the towel-toting teetotaler, takes ten tantalizing teabags to the tongue" is not only a fantastic tongue twister, but also a telling insight into the sexual practices of one young man.

Search Party!

This is going to be the place where I list all of the interesting ways that people manage to find my site via search engines.

This was inspired by my most recent customer: an Australian who found me by googling ("googling: it's Australian for "looking for porn") "most cocks sucked". I was the eleventh result as of this writing.

Another lucky searcher found me by scouring the corners of the internet for the words (not phrase) "shat with sexy girls". I'm pretty proud to say that I came in sixth.

Oh, ask.com, while you may not be my most frequent referrer, you sure are loyal. You gave some lucky potential rapist the gift of me as his sixth result when he searched for the words "Roofies in Tijuana".

*UPDATE 2-13-05*
Some neo-nazi stuck in Alaska without much negative eskimo fodder found my site as the fourth result in a google search for the words "anti-eskimo racist." I hope I was able to give him enough negative stereotypes to use. If not, here are a few. Eskimos can't play hopscotch. They just can't wrap their tiny eskimo minds around the concept of it. Also, eskimos are all allergic to cotton candy and it's proven that when they are a significant part of any region, there are never any cotton candy production factories around. God damn eskimos.

*UPDATE 2-19-05*
You ever wanted to have sex with something, but didn't have a vagina at your disposal? Apparently I'm your one-stop shop for all things substituted vagitudinally. So, if you ever feel the need to go to ask.com and propose the quandry "what can I use to substitute a vagina?" be prepared to find my site as the first result. That's right. If your vagina is sick and can't teach class, come to my site and we'll supply you with all the vaginal substitution you would ever need. I heard that a sandwich bag filled with hot lotion and M&Ms works perfectly as a simulated birth canal.

*UPDATE 2-21-05*
I'm really starting to pull in the "substitute vagina" traffic (I'm like #16 on dogpile.com). Because of this, I offer yet another vaginal substitute: Break a dozen eggs into an oven mitt, leave outside on a summer day for approximately four hours, mix in one teaspoon of donut-quality sprinkles, commence to fucking.

*UPDATE 3-13-05*
It's book report time. You decided that you're going to write yours about the great resurgence of the doughnut thanks to pastry empire Krispy Kreme. Well, if you go to ask.com and pose the query, "Who invented doughnuts?" you're greeted first and foremost, in bold, by the answer on my blog which appears to be Michael Jordan.I never considered it before, but it has become obvious to me that I'm probably the greatest teacher of my time. I'm like Socrates if Socrates really liked to make jokes about his own rape.


By far the most frequent way people happen upon my site via search engine is through some weird anomaly that I don't even quite understand. I'm apparently very high up in the google image results for the phrase (WARNING: Don't click this link if you don't want to see exactly what the phrase entails and even more)"guys making out". It says that it's from a place called fnuky.com, but when people click it, it takes them to an old page of mine where I referenced having accidentally found that picture.

New Osama bin Laden Audio Recording!

You may have heard that a new Osama bin Laden tape was released and I have it exclusively in its entirety.

To be honest, it's not exactly what I expected.

Click this link to hear it.

Toiling in Nonsensery with the Questionably Famous!

First, I was able to see what it would be like if Evander Holyfield finally decided to pursue his first love, ballroom dancing, on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. Then, thanks to Fox's Skating with Celebrities, my dream of knowing what it would be like if Willis strapped on some ice skates and finally showed the world what he was talkin' bout came to fruition.

Now, I'm pleased to announce that over the next three weeks, we (me) here at Don't Read This Weblog! are going to be having our own contest.

In Fishing with People Who Have Played Robots on Film and/or Television, four celebrities compete and fish the shit out of...the...fish.

With lettering brought to you by the Inappropriate Font Foundation.From left to right, we have Data from "Star Trek: The Next Generation," Vicki Lawson (I don't know why she has a last name because she's a robot and, as we all know, robots don't have traditional parents, only the godless monsters who created them) from "Small Wonder," D.A.R.Y.L. (That's Data Analyzing Robot Youth Lifeform to the uninitiated) from D.A.R.Y.L., and, finally, some fellah who calls himself Optimus Prime from a television show called "The Transformers." Personally I've never heard of it, but I believe that it's about a group of robots who give people makeovers.

Each week, you, the readers, will get to cast your vote on who you believe should be kicked off of the boat. This doesn't mean that I will follow what anybody says since I anticipate about one vote each week, but I just want you to feel like you have some control even when you don't.

I have a hunch about who might win this whole thing, but that's the beauty of publicly-voted-on contests like this where what you vote has absolutely no influence on the outcome, my hunch is probably what will happen.

Now, here's a little something that I noticed while "taking" this picture. I don't want this to sway your vote (because there is a vote this week), but I noticed a glitch in one of Data's digits.I don't know what caused this to happen, but it may come out in future installments of "Fishing with People Who Have Played Robots on Film and/or Television."

I Hate Comics to Infinity!

"Drop That Zero!"

"And get you a hero!"

Sorry, I commemorate every Martin Luther King day by celebrating him for what he made possible: shit black people say in talk show audiences in the 90s.

"Kick him to the curb!"

"You went from geek to chic!"

"I think you're talking to the wrong Jenny. You should be talking to Jenny Craig not Jenny Jones! Okay?"

"Don't hate the playa, hate the game."

"Stop shooting me with that firehose!"

Sorry, I got my lists mixed up. That last one is for when the United States finally decides to celebrate James Earl Ray day. It's got a rhyme built in! That's marketing genius!

Well, I guess we could use it for Gay Day. Besides, Gay Day would probably be much better than James Earl Ray day. I'm not too comfortable with the idea of having to murder a black Civil Rights leader on James Earl Ray day (those are the rules). Gay Day will be like the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance: all gay people have to act straight and all straight people have to get their gay on. "Those are the rules, Grandma. Now lick Esther's vagina and make me believe that you like it."

Finally: Spacepants!

Levi Strauss, the same company that makes overalls for old prospectors, is giving everybody what they want: iPod compatible pants.

The Redwire DLX jeans are set to "drop" some time this fall; just in time for your child to feel terrible about you not buying him a pair while Back to School shopping. If the name of your jeans could just as easily pass as a model of an SUV, you've finally made it to the future, baby.

I don't know much about iPods because I reject technology (each "blog," as you know them, is actually hand-written with a quill and ink on a papyrus scroll that I stick to the front door of my cabin using the very sticky substance, squirrel brain, which is then retrieved by a young knave to be beamed up to Jesus forever), but I know that I've never had anything worth more than $500 ($200 pants, $400 iPod) below my waist since high-priced transvestite prostitute joke!

Other clothing companies have decided to hop on the futuristic attire bandwagon.

80s staple Jordache, notably behind the times, has decided upon a little different way to integrate what they consider cutting-edge technology into their clothing.What I predict will possibly be even less successful than this is Nike's newest product: the Shoepwriter.The Redwire DLX jeans, as previously mentioned, are expected to retail in the US for $200, but Japanese schoolchildren will import and buy them for around $1000.

When I say that the jeans are "iPod compatible," it means that there will be some sort of device on the pants that lets you control the volume and switch to the next song. I'm pretty sure that the volume directly correlates to the position of the zipper. This will make for fun conversations with grandma. There's also a docking station in the pants (if you know what I'm saying). I want to see some drunk frat guy at a party jump in a swimming pool with these things on. It will be the most hilarious and musical death by electrocution since the day the flash flood hit the Disney Main Street Electrical Parade.

Formerly a MySpace Exclusive!

I have previously lambasted (oh, I said it, lambasted) quizzes on myspace and with good reason: most of the time, people answer the questions as some form of intellectual masturbation. Man, that last sentence has some good syllable to word ratio.

Well, I have come to realize the fun that can be had with these when one answers them from the point of view of a smarmy jackass (me!).

Thanks to Katy for the quiz.

1. How tall are you barefoot?
25 apples high

2. Have you ever smoked weed?
Is weed like salmon? If so, no.

3. Do you own a gun?
I've got one in my pants (look for this answer again later on!)

4. Rehab?
Incomplete sentence?

5. Would you ever "do" someone in their parents bed?
I don't know where the "parents bed" is, but if it's a euphemism for butthole, then you kids have gone too far with your slang.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I think they're nice when they haven't been drinking.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
I like the one about the alcoholic farmer who eats bees for breakfast.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
First thing in the morning I drink in knowledge and urinate justice.

9. Do you do push-ups?
I don't know what those are, but I do something called push-ins where I run around the mall and push in all the belly buttons of those fucking freaks with the outies.

10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
Ecstasy being farting in a cup that you know your girlfriend's going to drink out of? Oh hell yeah.

11. Are you vegan
I am Irish and Italian. I think my mom said I'm, like 1/16 vegan. But everybody says they are.

12. Do you like painkillers?
Do you like pain, motherfucker? Ask me that question again.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
An old school bear trap.

14. Do you own a knife?
Not since the day I had to say goodbye to my pinky. Pinky was the name of my cat that I murdered.

15. Do you have A.D.D.?
Let's ride bikes! Sorry, I stole that joke from somewhere.

16. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings?
I love the pain that Tattoo brought on Fantasy Island. That motherfucker didn't take shit from anybody. I saw him kneecap Ricardo Montalban for calling him "Kid." "The pain! The pain!" See what I did there?

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1. I'm writing number 1
2. I'm writing number 2
3. I'm writing number 3

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
Gerbils (don't ask)
A roadside flashlight (don't ask)
A buttplug

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink:
I already mentioned knowledge
I drink bottled puppy tears (from Peru)
Molten lava
Sweat from the brow of exhausted boys who have been pulling my weeds all day
And, if this didn't say "regularly drink," I'd say milk, but I don't drink that regularly at all. I think I drink it kind of irregularly. I filter it through a pair of panties I bought on the internet that were worn by Star Jones.

20. What time did you wake up today?
Ten minutes before you did so I could make my quiet escape.

21. Current hair?
Present

22. Current worry?
There are 250 of these fucking questions.

23. Current hate?
See 22

24. Favorite place to be?
On the moon sipping martinis with Kerri Strug.

25. Least favorite place to be?
In the middle of an assfucking sandwich.

26. Where would you like to go?
To the center of the earth where Jews count all their money.

27. What do you wear to sleep?
A stomach coated in a thin layer of my own semen--and tube socks.

28. What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years?
Somebody's parents bed. Did I use it right?

29. Do you burn or tan?
Raw umber.

30. Last thing you ate?
An assfucking sandwich.

31. Would you be a pirate?
Yarr, I be a pirate. Who you be?

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
I guess the last time I force-fed my Uncle a beer as he screamed, "But I've been sober for twelve years!" was the last time I had an alcoholic drink.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
My own hit single, "It's Normal to Bathe with Your Brother Even Though You're Both In Your Twenties."

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
A lisping pterodactyl with daddy issues, but who swore that he was straight. "Dude, I totally fucked a T-Rex once. She was so hot."

35. What's in your pockets right now?
Some ear.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Some earless child screaming.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
Newspaper and a dream.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
The time I tried to convince my brother I was having a baby so I managed to fit an entire Barbie Doll head in my urethra. It was a good joke, but now, when I pee, it's like somebody just opened their mouth wide open when it was filled with water; it all just sort of falls out.

39. What are your dreams like?
They're all widescreen, in Korean, and I have never had one that didn't end with me flying away on a Pegasus.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
I'll do you one better: How many houses do I have in my TV? The answer to that is zero because that is a stupid question.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
See 36.

42. Who is your most silent friend?
The one beneath the floorboards. I can only hear the pitter patter of his heart.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Someone will once I send them the 3000-page declaration of my love I've been preparing.

44. Do you wish on stars?
I prefer to wish on eyelashes, yellow lights, and wishbones. Stars are for fucking morons.

45. What is your favorite book?
There was this book I read one time about this elderly woman who was a rodeo clown, but she also worked part time at a cotton candy factory where she had to stand in a giant vat of sugar and run around until it all became cotton candy. At the end of the book she dies of diabetes and her body is cremated and half of her ashes are spread in the cotton candy mix and the other half are sprinkled on the floor of the bull riding colliseum.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Those yummy cakes they put in urinals.

47. What song do you want played at your wedding?
C is for Cookie. That's so the wife feels comfortable with having something familiar. Either that or something by Elmo.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Since I have become the Highlander, this is something I needn't concern myself with.

49. What were you doing 12AM last night?
I think question four of this survey.

50. Do u still talk to the person who "took" your virginity from you?
You should have been my lawyer instead. You're right, it was her fault. You should have seen what she was wearing.

51. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Whose blood is that?

52. How much cash do you have on you?:
In Zaire, pubic lice is considered a form of currency. Therefore, I am a very rich man.

53. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST":
QUIZ! Is rhyming like synonyms?

54. Favorite planet?
Planet Hollywood. That's where all important people come from.

55. Who is the 4th person on your recent call list on your cell phone?
Lou Diamond Phillips

56. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
RING RING!

57. What shirt are you wearing?:
A unitard.

58. Do you label yourself?
I label myself as a box of cereal and try to pass myself off at the supermarket. I sometimes get weird looks when I say to them, "I'm delicious. You should try me. Try my box!"

59. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing:
What brand are flippers?

60. Bright or Dark Room?
Room room.

61. What do you think about the person who took this survey?
I took this survey. Therefore, I think the person who took this survey is a raconteur, a regular man-about-town.

62. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
Boner boner boner boner police boner boner boner boner. It was from myself reminding me what I had to do tomorrow.

63. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Math, huh? I don't trust you.

64. What is something you say often?
That's not my semen.

65.Who told you they loved you last?
My mom when I told her to list the order that she was going to do everything in her life. She told me that after she skydives into the mouth of a killer whale and learns to harness the power of time travel that then, finally, she would try to get around to loving me last.

66. Last furry thing you touched?
Well, I recently went on the gameshow "Braid That Taint!"

67. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days?
I refuse to answer on the grounds that your inconsistent capitalization is messing with my brain, man.

68. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
Rolls of film? You're a time traveller aren't you? My mom would be interested in knowing your secrets.

69. Favorite age you have been so far?
0 was pretty good. I was all little and shit.

70. Your worst enemy?
My doppleganger that I ran into at a Rest Stop on the way to Las Vegas. He tried to attack me, but I stapped him with the Dagger of Zerhi before he could and he shattered into a million pieces.

71. What is your current desktop picture?
It's a picture of me fucking your mother. How about stopping with the personal questions, dickhead?

72. What was the last thing you said to someone?
It's a picture of me fucking your mother. How about stopping with the personal questions, dickhead? (and I meant every word of it)

73. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose?
I would learn to fly and then I'd grab a baby and fly high into the air and threaten to drop it if somebody didn't pay me a million dollars.

74. Do you like someone?
See 43.

75. The last song you listened to?
I consider the cries of children to be songs, so I guess that would have to be my answer.

76.Have you ever kissed your best friend?
No. I've tried, but I can't quite reach. It hurts my back.

77. Would you ever have an affair with a married man/woman?
A man/woman? A hermaphrodite that's married? Probably just to say that I've done it.

78. Would you ever pose for Playboy/Playgirl?
Again?

79. Have you ever used a gun?
I've got one in my pants (told you I'd be back!). But, no, I've never used it.

80. Who was the last person you made out with?
If photographs count, I'd have to say my grandmother.

81. Have you ever been arrested?
I was once arrested for public awesomeness. I didn't know it was a punishable crime either.

82. Do you believe in the death penalty?
Do I believe in it? I know that it happens. It is a fact that it takes place so, therefore, I believe in it. If you're asking me if I agree with it, you phrased it wrong and you're a fucking idiot.

83. Do you believe in marriage?
See 82.

84. Have you ever taken back a person who has cheated on you?
You're silly. Necrophilia is disgusting.

85. Have you ever been in a fist fight?
I've been in a tickle fight that escalated to a hug brawl.

86. Have you ever been involved in a crime?
If stealing the hearts of ladies is a crime...then, no.

87. Have you ever taken an anti-depressant?
Once when I was crushed by a giant falling piano I had to or else I would have stayed that way. PUNS!

88. Have you ever come close to dying?
I came close to tie-dying once. I had a white t-shirt and a bucket of colorful chemicals, but I just couldn't bring myself to it.

89. Have you ever experimented w/ S&M?
I don't understand your crazy hieroglyphics.

90. Do you believe in God?
I believe in dragons.

91. Do you believe in Heaven and Hell?
I believe in leprechauns.

92. Have you ever seen a ghost?
If anybody at all ever answers yes to this question, please report them to me and I'll promptly dismiss them from existence because they don't deserve to live anymore. Of COURSE I've seen a ghost!

93. Have you ever played w/ a Ouja board?
Have you ever found the 'i' key on your keyboard?

94. Would you ever be on The Real World if you had the chance?
The only reality show I would ever be on would be America's Next Top Model. Okay, girlfriend?

95. Do you have any reoccurring nightmares?
That I'm only on number 95 of this fucking survey.

96. Whos bed did you sleep in last night?
See 20.

97. How many people on your list do you know in real life?
List? I have lots of lists with names on them. Most are the victims and survivors lists and those are a secret.

98. What is the most recent movie that youve watched?
I only watch Queen Latifah movies, so it was probably the hilarious Taxi!

99. Name three things that you have on you at all times.
Urine, shit, blood.

100. How did your last relationship end?
See 99.

101. Who got you to join myspace?
The robot that lives inside my dog.

102. How long have you been at your current job?
Since I started.

103. Is Tom on your friends list?
Again, it's a secret.

104. Look to your left. What's there?
Shrine to the Hasselhoff.

105. What is the last thing you spent over $100 on?
See 99.

106. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
I borrowed 4 dozen legwarmers from Belinda Carlisle.

107. What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?
http://thetoon.blogspot.com, and http://www.AssBlastersExtravaganza.org

108. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
The tears sort of do.

109. Do you own a picture phone?
A picture phone? Do you own a painting television? You're weird.

110. Is your room clean?
Is your...face...clean? It's getting late.

111. Laptop or Desktop computer?
TI-85.

112. Favorite comedian?
Jokes are for homos.

113. Do long distance relationships work?
No. They're like Mexicans!

114. How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
It's a cardigan, but thanks for asking.

115. Pancakes or French Toast?
A bowl of salsa covered in chocolate whipped cream.

116. Pick a lyric.
See 33.

117. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Whatever makes that ass shake!

118. Can you play pool?
I don't "play" anything. I dominate.

119. Do you know how to swim?
Faster than my friend, Sharkbite Darryl.

120. Do you like maps?
I am a world-renowned cartographer and explorer. Fuck maps.

121. Ever play spin the bottle?
See 118.

122. Ever attend a theme party?
Ever ashmend a sheme shmarty? Getting so late.

123. Favorite quote?
The haircut apple underwater jump make-up Luigi forever.

124. Best thing about winter?
Nipples.

125. Do you think pirates are cool or overrated?
See 31.

126. What are you doing this weekend?
Church! All day. All night.

127. If you could own your own state which one would it be?
I'm going to pretend you misspelled slave. If that's the case, I would own Kunta Kinte because I likes me some sass.

128. Describe yourself in ONE word:
Describe a rainbow in one word. You can't.

129. What would your walls say about you?
I think they'd be too busy saying things like, "Holy shit. I'm a wall and I can talk" to talk about me. It's called the Pinocchio Syndrome. Look into it.

130. When was the last time you went to a party?
I'm having a fucking parade when this survey is over.

131. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name be?
Well, people would refer to me as "That poor girl who tries to pee standing up."

132. All time favorite swear word:
Tim

133. Favorite Cartoon:
The Used-Up Battery Detectives

134. Whos your favorite superhero?
The 9-Volt Avenger!

135. Danced in Public ?
That's not a Question ?

136. Are you a good liar?
I love taking this survey!

137. If stripping were the only way to get money, would you do it?
It's not and I do it now. But I'm also a pretentious non-conformist. So I guess not.

138. What age do people get really boring?
Whatever age I turned on question 138.

139. Who really let the dogs out?
I didn't think it was possible, but this question makes me hate this survey even more.

140. Seen anything weird lately?
What kind of a question is this one? So, how you doing? Your parents okay? Fucking retarded.

141. How often do you think about sex in a given 24 hour day?
You're giving me a 24-hour day? That's good, because I've been getting gypped lately with only 23-hour days. Redundant redundancy is redundant.

142 Whats your favorite play/musical?
The song and dance that this Bush Administration is doing. Am I right, people? Right? Thanks for the applause.

143. Name something you'd never wear.
Clothing.

144. You have $10 and need to buy snacks at a gas station.
You have a magic hat and your name is Theodore. It's fun to state random sentences.

145. If you had to be reincarnated as some sort of sea dwelling creature, what would you be?
Jesus

146. Who's your favorite redhead?
You're just fishing for compliments.

147. Do you own any... naughty toys?
Now you're being coy with the ellipses? Who the hell are you fooling? You asked me if I'd "do" somebody in their parents bedroom.

148. Have you made out with anyone on your friend's list?
Even if you left "on your friends list" off, the answer would still be no. This forked tongue is a curse! I knew I should never have traded my fiddle made of gold for it.

149. Are there any odd things that make you feel comfortable?
Tomato, tomahto.

150. Tell me a weird story from your high school years:
I went to high school. The end.

151. What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
What is the macrame on your burrito band-aid?

152. Soda?
Bacon

153. Flavor of pudding?
See 152

157. How many people are on your friends list?
Shh.

158. What are you listening to right now?
Just that heart beating.

159. Would you rather give or receive a foot massage?
Well, the only person around is Sharkbite Darryl, so I guess receive.

160. Name a teacher you had the hots for.
Bill Nye.

161.Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
Using your "Ouja" board.

162. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?
I'd find Alanis Morissette and tell her that I'm a tenth of the way to writing a hit song.

163. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary (primary)
Some Skinhead Metal groups. It was my parents' music.

164. What is the best thing about your job?
No left-handers.

165. Where are you going on your next vacation?
Tickletown, USA.

166. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
My house has been constructed entirely of Swedish boys. Does that count?

167. Tell us about the last conversation/s you had?
Tell me about the last time I didn't hate you. That's right, you can't.

168. Where do you see yourself in one month?
In the mirror. The same place I always see myself.

169. What is your favorite smell?
Jews.

170. Have you ever gone to therapy?
After question 256 will be my first time.

171. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
Any beach I go to instantly becomes one.

172. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?
You know I'm sensitive about the fact that I can't wear a hat because I'm half triceratops.

173. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?
65 miles per hour. I just assume with all the numbers that this is one of those questions about the two trains leaving different stations.

174. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?
See 76.

175. Pirate or ninja?
Left or right? Up or down? Shovel or not shovel?

176. Look around the room you're in. What would be the most effective weapon?
This fucking survey.

177. There's a stain on your clothing, what is it from?
I'm not falling for this one. And your shoelace is untied, motherfucker.

178. What's the most terrible song you've got on your computer?
I only have one song, and I have 1000 different versions of it. So I guess I'd have to say the all kazoo version of the Knight Rider theme.

179. What is your favorite thing that you wont admit to anyone?
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

180. What's the last thing you broke on purpose?
Some random hymen?

181. Do you collect anything unconventional?
Freeways.

182. Oh my God, what's that thing behind you?
His name is Sharkbite Darryl, you insensitive bastard.

183. You looked, didn't you?
I hate you.

184. What word always makes you laugh, regardless of context?
Abortion.

185. Whose face makes you laugh?
Ole Googlyeyes McGee.

186. Do you prefer the smell of paper or plastic?
Brand new He-Man.

187. What is the most attractive letter?
I hate to admit it, but I'd fuck the shit out of a capital Q.

188. Choose 5 things that you think should be illegal.
1. Hella
2. Lamps
3. Taco Tuesdays
4. Number 4
5. Shoes

189. Which of your scars is your favorite?
My emotional ones.

190. What does the 5th text on your phone say?
Cell phones are now obsolete here by question 190.

191. When was the last time you thought about sex?
When was the last time I hit the spacebar with my erect penis?

192. Do you date more than one person at once?
Only one "person" at a time, but I try to work in as many different phyla as possible. PHYLA, bitches! You like that.

193. What do you want for your b-day?
For somebody who writes a 256-question survey to actually take the time to spell out the word "birthday."

194. What is the first thing you do when you get home from work?
Wash off the blood.

195. Is there one particular person at work who you dont like?
If I worked with you, it would definitely be you.

196. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?
We all know that a woman could never be President. You can't spell President without P-E-N-I-S.

197. Would you marry for money?
I'd marry for a Hot Pocket. I can't wait to get married! It sounds so magical!

198. When was the last time you had a hickey?
Two days ago the exact scene in Stand By Me with the leeches happened to me. So I guess that was it.

199. Are you bored?
You're fucking taunting me.

200. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?
I bake two cakes and wear those around the house.

201. Why do you take surveys?
Because I wanted to prove that I could make "funny" answers to the questions, but holy lord, you win.

202. Did you like or do you like high school?
I'll defer this answer to my lawyer. "Do you like--go fuck yourself."

203. Are you tolerant of other people's beliefs?
Only if they believe exactly what I believe. Otherwise, they're complete morons.

204. Do you like abstract art?
I shit on a trucker hat, buried it for three weeks, dug it up, put it in a blender, sprayed it on the inside of a pizza box, and masturbated all over it. The only reason I didn't go to prison was because it was considered "abstract art." So, yeah.

205. Do you think you can draw well?
Wells are easy. It's like a soda can with a hole in the top.

206. Do you listen to music daily?
None of your business.

207. What shampoo do you use?
Turkey-flavored.

208. Game in Ps, Ps2, x-box, etc. ?
I only recognize two of those words.

209. Do you have any piercings?
I pierced my labia with an old coat hanger. Sure, my pants fit weird, but I never have wrinkled shirts.

210. Have you ever had a head injury?
Have you read this survey?

211. How many virgins have u slept with?
72 once I finally accomplish my mission for Allah.

212. What stickers do you have on your car, if any?
"If you can read this, you've discovered the Bat Cave."

213. What's your Mom's favorite band/musician?
See whatever fucking question it was where I answered Skinhead metal.

214. What's your Dad's favorite band/musician?
See 213. And Busta Rhymes.

215. What was your elementary school's mascot?
The Fighting T-Cells.

216. What's your favorite bottled water?
Wet shit. Not literally "wet shit," but water that's wet. I don't drink shit. I smear it on my nipples. Drinking it is gross.

217. What's the next concert/show you're going to and when?
Whenever they finally turn the House of Wax movie remake into a musical showcase.

218. I swear the two things i hate most are..
surveys and two-part questions.

219. The first rated R movie i ever saw was..
I don't watch R-rated movies because I'm not a heathen.

220. Two things I love are...
Frankincense and Myrrh. Call me old-fashioned.

221. I would love to retire in...
a throne made of Hostess cupcakes.

222. Do you have a website?
Do you? Because I want to hunt you down and murder you with a skateboard to the throat.

223. Is it safe to say your addicted to myspace?
No, because that's the wrong "your" and you know what that does to me. I'm already riled up, bitch.

224. If you could be at any concert right now, who and why?
See 217

225.Which do you prefer a dog or a cat?
They're both pretty delicious.

226. Have you seen the Movie Drop Dead Fred?
I like Phoebe Cates better when she's showing me her boobies.

227. My drug of choice is...
ground-up dolphin brain directly injected into my cerebral cortex.

228. My longest relationship lasted.
Up until the point when she read this survey.

229. If you want children one day, what would you want to name the first?
"Not mine."

230. On my wall you can find a poster of?
A poster of the American flag with the slogan "These colors don't run." Oh hell yeah!

231. Spent more than $500 on a bf/gf's gift or a night out?
If a tranny prostitute can be considered a night out.

232. Actually met someone from myspace that you didn't know before?
Met means that they would have to know it also and they couldn't be asleep, right?

233. Have you/would you watch either the entire Star Wars or Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting?
I watched the entire run of Saved by the Bell in one sitting because I had to see if Zack and Kelly ended up together. Survey says? They did!

234. Have you seen Rocky Horror Picture Show in its entirety?
See 231.

235. Do you go to church?
Do I go to church? I never leave! It's the power of the Lord and I let His light shine through me!

236. If you're going to the movies, do you get there in enough time to see the trailers?
If you're going to the movies, could you buy me some SweeTarts?

237. Annoying name your parents call you?
Rapist

238. Would you rather have a beach house or a cabin in the woods?
Shack made from used Aqua Net Hairspray bottles in downtown Los Angeles.

239. At any point in your life known all the words to an Ace of Base song?
Change song to album and I'm still answering yes.

240. Do you end up making a fool of yourself when you try flirting with someone you really like?
I don't flirt. I count on my pheromones to do the walking for me. Needless to say, I've fucked 90 butterflies.

241. What's the longest you've gone without showering?
The 9 days it's been since question 1.

242. Pool or Darts?
The great hamburger toss of 1883.

243. Who's the last person who yelled at you and why?
Jesus for being a sinner.

244. Name three things that you would see if you opened your refrigerator right now.
"I got the milk, the eggs, and the fabric softener."

245. What will be the next thing you spend money on?
A hitman to kneecap Katy for bringing this survey into my life.

246. Who is the last person you saw from MySpace?
I can't even remember the last human being I saw.

247. What is your favorite vegetable?
Terry Schiavo

248. When was the last time that you got your car's oil changed?
Luckily for me, my car is powered by Hershey's Syrup.

249. What brand stapler is on your desk?
I use a hot glue gun to keep papers together. Black & Decker.

250. Can you fix the stuff that breaks at your house?
I don't think I'll be able to fix the damage I'm about to do to my keyboard. Also, you can't really "fix" a broken hymen. Hey-o!

251. What other programs do you have running right now?
Something called "She_puts_a_microphone_where?.avi"

252. When was the last time that you bought flowers for someone?
Some time before the great meteor hit around question 192. You know, before flowers became extinct.

253. What percentage of your paycheck do you save?
I can see the fucking finish line. Is it just me or have the questions actually gotten worse?

254. Do you buy tabloids?
Nope. It's not just me.

255. Are you cheesy?
The medication cleared it up.

256. Of all the bands/artists in your cd/record collection, which one do you own the most albums by?
You end on this? I already told you, it's all different versions of the Knight Rider theme.

Katy, at the beginning of this post, I thanked you for the survey. I have to take that back and warn you that there will be a tiny man (who you may know as television's Gary Coleman) coming to your house to punch you repeatedly in the kneecaps.

Monster's Ink!

First, let me get this out of the way: I have never eaten a baby that wasn't asking for it. You know how sometimes you'll be wandering around in the bushes outside somebody's house and you hear that baby crying and you just want it to stop? Well, that's what I do. So you're welcome, rest of the neighborhood.

Granted, I'll give it to you that consuming it whole may not be the most effective means of quieting said baby, but that's why some of my friends choose to smother the baby and leave it for the parents to find. This is what is commonly referred to in the scientific and doctorly community as SIDS. Personally, I feel I'm doing a service by just making the baby disappear forever. You can call me a lot of things--I guess I'm sort of a diva, I accept that--but you will never hear anybody say I am not a sensitive man.

It's because of this small habit of mine (which, again, I feel is actually a charitable action) that I cannot find a job. I applied for clerical work at the local library because I love books, but they said they wouldn't hire me because "They knew what I did." I tried to explain to the head librarian that what I was doing was helpful, but she just screamed and complained about how terrifying my face was. Well, you're no Helen Hunt either, sister.

After that, I kind of went on a drinking binge. You know how I am with my cosmopolitans. Time and drinks just fly when I'm curled up on the couch having my late-night Sex and the City marathons. In case you were curious, I'm a Samantha. Surprising, I know, but I took a quiz on the internet that said so.

I did work with my dad for a while, and it was okay I guess, but he's just so busy as Vice President that I don't get to spend any time with him. Filing papers in the White House just to be closer to him didn't really stimulate my mind. Besides, he didn't like me going around telling everybody that I was his son. How could he be ashamed of me? He said he thought it was bad for his reputation. Umm, hello? Earth to Dad. Newsflash: You aren't exactly on Mr. Blackwell's Best Dressed List. Okay?

Anyhoo. Maybe I'm drunk and I shouldn't be taking this full-page ad out in the New York Times, but to Hell with it. I'm sick and tired of people discriminating against me for who I am: a gay man. That's why you all won't hire me. Well, I'm going to get me a lawyer and the ACLU and I'll sew (sic) all of you (and maybe I'll eat some of your babies just to further the stereotype). "Oh, look at that faggot. He's eating another baby." I can hear it already.

No more, America! No more. Fight the power.

Sincerely,

The Boogeyman

Edit: Whether you liked the content of this post or not, you have to admit that the title of it is H-E-double home run!

I Hate Comics 15: Back to the Well!

I was originally going to make a vibrator joke, but then I noticed the brave choice that the Keane's had made in making Dolly a child amputee. Not to ruin the story of how it happened, but Not Me did it.

Vice President in Peril!

Dateline - Peril, Virginia

Dick "Don't Call Me Dick" Cheney was admitted to the hospital earlier today for shortness of breath. He told doctors that he just wasn't sucking the souls from the soft spots in baby's heads with the same speed that he normally does.

Apparently he's been on some medication because of a sore foot that he's been nursing for a while. You know how you do something every day, but one day you do it and something just goes wrong and you get hurt? That's how Vice President Cheney injured himself. He was hanging around outside the abortion clinic (because it was Monday!) doing the usual: saying, "You want an abortion? I'll give you an abortion!" and kicking women in the stomach. White House aids told him not to toe punch the stomach because then he would have no control over where the fetus flew, but he insisted and, finally, injured himself.

It is harder to injure a cloven hoof in that manner since they're made for crushing fetus brain, but he managed to do it.

Short and sweet today, just like a midget made out of candy (or, as our Mexican friends call them, piñatas).

I'm No Longer An Atheist!

Because there has to be a God for headlines like this to happen.

"Tests Show Three in Turkey Have Bird Flu"

I just hope that this means that soon starvation will be a problem in Hungary and people will be freezing to death in Chile.

It's like God gets his ideas from Bazooka Joe comics. I know that's where I get mine.

Pat Robertson: God's Middle Finger!

Pat Robertson, Public Relations director for the one and only God (or, as you may know him: Yahweh, Elohim, and Jehovah--"In Latin, Jehovah starts--with an i"), has finally found some blame within himself.

His declaration that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel "Little Mermaid" Sharon's stroke was God's retribution because he had attempted to divide God's land was the latest in a series of vengeful attacks by the man upstairs (Where do you think the term landlord comes from? It's the same place the term gaylord comes from: upstairs).

In a recent visit to McDonald's, however, Robertson finally felt the wrath which, up until this point, he had only reported second-hand. He ordered a number two regular-sized (gluttony is a sin) with a Diet Coke (Jesus invented Nutra-Sweet), and three chocolate-chip cookies. This is when God's fury and vengeance became evident to Robertson.

"I'm sorry. We're all out of chocolate-chip cookies."

He stumbled backward from the counter. He later told reporters that he felt a warm shower of loving hate flow over his body when he heard these words.

"No chocolate-chip cookies. For me! Pat Robertson!"

After an apparent telepathic conversation with Allah (this is what awful people call God), Robertson finally realized what it was that caused this terrible event.

"I drove through an intersection today and a light turned red while I was in it. It's my own fault. I should have seen this coming. Also, I wish slavery was still legal, bathe every morning in fresh kitten blood, and I like to watch Dancing with the Stars."

In the Spring, Pat Robertson will be releasing a reference book of crimes punishable by God's wrath along with their respective punishment in the wildly inappropriately-titled Your Asshole Is Bleeding Because God Hates Faggots.

Comic: The Comicking!

Click comic comic comic comic comic comic. Comic day late comic. Comic comic comic comic!

Reminiscing!

Remember when you were a kid and it was illegal to fight crime without a license?

Remember when the only source of energy on the planet was created by a room full of people hired to rub balloons on the carpet?

Remember how the English language used to only consist of clicks and pops and, when written, was much like Morse Code, but color-coded?

Remember when you used to be able to buy a loaf of bread for one broken unicorn horn?

Remember when people used to be allowed to take any child home from the hospital they wanted and leave one if they wished? Remember how this spawned the less-traumatic Take-a-penny/Leave-a-penny tray at your local convenience store?

Remember when human blood used to constantly seep through people's pores? Remember when there was nothing but wet red clothing?

Remember when tackle football used to be played in kitty litter?

Remember when cars used to be powered by baby dolphin tears?

Remember when humans used to eat steel like it was cake?

Remember when quicksand used to cover 95% of the earth's surface and chocolate syrup covered the other five?

Remember when every human was born with both sets of genitals and the doctor got to decide what sex the baby would be by calling a witch doctor and playing Paper, Rock, Scissors over the phone--which never worked.

Remember how tornadoes used to be made entirely of confetti and people always accidentally mistook them for giant surprise parties?

Remember when the President of the United States was a position filled by a lottery and the job only consisted of roaming the country washing floors? That was the height of the job title versus job description wars.

Remember when income taxes used to be paid off in marathon breakdancing sessions?

Tick Tock!

Tick tock the clock is ticking
It's time to punch your brother
Tick tock the clock is ticking
Don't forget to eat your peas

Clock click the tick is clocking
Can I borrow that shovel please?
Clock click the tick is clocking
I can find underground water with two sticks

Once in a lifetime people die
Penguins have bad memories
I hope you're not allergic to cancer
Things are happier in the pantry

Tick tock the clock is ticking
All French people can see through walls
Tick tock the clock is ticking
Take off your shirt and order some sea monkeys

Clock click the tick is clocking
Your label maker just won't work
Clock click the tick is clocking
Dangerous sandwich fights all fires

Once in a lifetime people die
Hamster silverware laundry hat
The milk's gone bad because it hung out with the wrong crowd
That last line is non-conformist

Tick tock the clock is ticking
Lock the door to keep in the mice
Tick tock the clock is ticking
Hand grenade soup is our special today