Thursday, October 20, 2005

Horoscopes I Want To See!

As you regular readers may know, I'm sort of a skeptic when it comes to anything that's based on "magic," "blind faith," or "voodoo." Anything I can't see, I don't believe.

Like gravity. Fuck that make-believe shit.

Anyway, so all the stuff like numerology, astrology, and psychics fall under the same New Age label of bullshit to me. It's all as made up as Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's relationship.

If I was in charge of writing the Horoscope section of the newspaper, though, maybe I'd try a few different things than you normally see.

Today isn't the best day to go bow and arrow hunting with your father in the Australian Outback. But, you should go some time soon because he has cancer. That's right. He has throat cancer. Your father, Dave Lewis from Providence, Rhode Island, has throat cancer and he will die on the 25th of December this year. Merry Christmas.

How about you treat yourself to a special day and go fuck yourself? All day long, you Libra piece of shit.

Long time no see, jackass. Reading your Horoscope today hoping things will finally look up? Well, they won't. Not like you deserve it anyway. Think I don't know about the incident with the neighbor's son? I know everything. I'm the Horoscope, bitch!

Two words: The clap.

You know that co-worker you have a crush on? Go for it!

A very homely co-worker will ask you out today. My bad.

I loved you in American Gladiators! Nobody could touch you in Powerball or Assault. Well, until Wesley "Two Scoops" Berry came on the scene and made all the gladiators his bitches. But, you'll always have the pre-Two Scoops era.

A spaceman from the future will visit you today, but he won't tell you outright that he is from the future because he is on a very covert mission. He will simply say, "Excuse me." That is your cue to answer back with the phrase that will let him know that you know who he is: "I poured ten ounces of maple syrup into my anus. Would you like some pancakes?"

Pisces, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Scorpio
Blow me, blow me, blow me, and blow me.

Interesting thought of the day:
Science conducted an experiment, because that's what Science does, and found out that things, indeed, are.


eob said...

TomKat's relationship is not made up! It is a perfectly legit, and legally binding contract designed to perpetuate Tom's heterosexuality, and now his potency.

David Amulet said...

It just so happens that I was born on the cusp between Taurus, Cancer, and Libra. I know, that make me a very unusual baby.

So I took your advice. I hit on myself at work and, when spurned, fucked myself anyway. Does that make me more the criminal or the victim?

-- d.a.