Katie Holmes' Vagina Just Got a Whole Lot Crazier!

Aside from the everpresent eyepatch and miniature feather boa, Katie Holmes has added a new accessory to her five-star birth canal: Tom Cruise's bonkers-ass scientolo-gism.

That's right. The spirit of L. Ron Hubbard finally has a vessel in which he can be brought back to Earth and reborn in the name of Xenu.

Upon reaching its destination, Tom Cruise's sperm was seen jumping on top of the uterus shouting, "I love this magnificent embryo, Vulva, and I don't care who hears me say it!" The rest of the sperm around it laughed politely at first, but then realized how fucking insane it was when it wouldn't stop. One sperm was overheard saying, "That was more over-the-top than a production of The Odd Couple as performed by Andy Dick and Ashton Kutcher for a room full of near-deaf retarded children. Sperm have a surprisingly dry sense of humor.

Tom Cruise has two other children both whom he adopted with ex-beard Nicole Kidman. Beard is Australian for wife, nothing more; I saw it on a Foster's commercial. I mean nothing else by this at all, Mr. Cruise or his lawyers.

But, for the first time, there will be a child born that actually shares his genes. I hope he tells his adopted children that this means that he will love this new kid more. You know, it's like when somebody helps you do your homework, you feel pretty good about it, but when you do it yourself, you just love it more and can't talk to your other homework anymore.

I'm just excited for the day in the coming months when Katie Holmes' vagina cracks open like the fabled volcanoes in the history of the legend of Xenu and out pops a baby--and that baby looks just like James Van Der Beek.