Monday, October 17, 2005

Why Your MySpace Sucks!

For those of you not familiar with myspace.com, it's a place where millions of people from around the world "network" with their friends and future friends in an orgy of bad html and chubby girls wearing cowboy hats.

What myspace has done that has revolutionized the network-of-friends industry is that they have given the user the ability to customize their personal page in basically whatever manner they want. And, apparently, everybody wants to make their web pages look exactly like the internet circa 1997.

Here is my myspace as a comparison to those you're about to see.

1. There's nothing more effective than a big-ass picture as your background that never moves. It makes things so easy-to-read.

Offenders:
This ogre.
Hawaiian cowboys forever!
Even my own friends aren't immune to this!
I think this guy likes cars.
I HEART MIKE JONES! Whoever Mike Jones is.

2. The more friends you have, the better a person that makes you.

Offenders:
This chick.
Another attention whore.
And, the greatest myspace attention whore of all, Dane Cook.

3. You're awesome with your shirt off.

Offenders:
This douche, who captioned his picture, "yeah abs still on point !"
This guy probably constantly has sex because of his awesome physique!
And it's probably with this guy who has eight pictures on his profile and he's only wearing a shirt in two of them.

4. You took a survey? Please, tell me all about it!

Offenders:
This abortion of a page shows you basically every offense I've talked about so far. It's almost beautiful in its hideousness, like Frankenstein's monster.

5. What kind of music do you like? Oh, never mind. I'll find out in a minute because the nine videos and songs on your page are locking up my computer.

Offenders:
Another guy in my own network.
Holy shit! My computer just slapped me in the face for trying to open that page.

Anyway, you get the point. Stop being such gargantuan douche-holes, people. Just because you have 30,000 "e-friends" doesn't mean anybody actually likes you. Your parents were still right; you're useless. Also, I don't give a fuck about your abs, your 400 pictures embedded in your page of that one time you got to meet Jean Claude Van Damme at a Starbucks, or what kind of fucking Care Bear some survey says you are.

Interesting thought of the day:
Asian people see everything in letterbox.

6 comments:

Carl Click said...

YoU FoRgoT To mEntIoN tEh keWL wAy eVErYonE wRiteS sTUfF!

eob said...

Is it true asian vaginas are landscape, not portrait?

David Amulet said...

I had never even heard of myspace.com.

And having witnessed it via your glorious highlights, I shall never return.

-- d.a.

Anonymous said...

"a place where millions of people from around the world "network".

I think you meant idiots.

Anonymous said...

haha this stuff is so true :P
i kept my page plain and simple. 4 tables going down in row
myspace.com/isniffsexyhai
badd ass no?

Chad said...

I won't lie, I too use Myspace, but I also enjoy my time on Yuwie as well.

Yuwie is filled with a great team of people and the founder of it all actually listens to what we have to say; and takes it into consideration.

That's more than I can say about most sites who tend to completely ignore their users once they've gained ground in the market and are earning a healthy living.

Unlike many other social sites, Yuwieis taking a twist on the whole social networking trend and actually sharing a part of its advertising revenue with its users.

Sure its pennies at first, but its still a baby only having a little over 500,000 members compared to the 200 million of Myspace and is likely more money than you'll ever see from Myspace or Facebook alike.

So, why not give Yuwie a shot? It's free to sign up and you might be surprised to find that its not all that different than Myspace or Facebook aside from what I find to be a much more mature and family oriented audience.

Oh, and one more thing, Yuwie, DOES NOT tolerate spam. So, you won't have to worry about being harrassed by those pesky porn bots with pictures of half naked girls begging to be your friend or the comment spam bots posing as your buddies rejoicing over how they just won a "$500 Macy's giftcard".

Yuwie pays by Paypal or Check, $5 cashout for Paypal and $25 for a check, and who doesn't use Paypal nowadays? Sure Paypal isn't without it's flaws, but it still commands the lead over being one of the most safest and easiest ways to transfer money online.

Join Yuwie!