Monday, January 23, 2006

Search Party!

This is going to be the place where I list all of the interesting ways that people manage to find my site via search engines.

This was inspired by my most recent customer: an Australian who found me by googling ("googling: it's Australian for "looking for porn") "most cocks sucked". I was the eleventh result as of this writing.

Another lucky searcher found me by scouring the corners of the internet for the words (not phrase) "shat with sexy girls". I'm pretty proud to say that I came in sixth.

Oh, ask.com, while you may not be my most frequent referrer, you sure are loyal. You gave some lucky potential rapist the gift of me as his sixth result when he searched for the words "Roofies in Tijuana".

*UPDATE 2-13-05*
Some neo-nazi stuck in Alaska without much negative eskimo fodder found my site as the fourth result in a google search for the words "anti-eskimo racist." I hope I was able to give him enough negative stereotypes to use. If not, here are a few. Eskimos can't play hopscotch. They just can't wrap their tiny eskimo minds around the concept of it. Also, eskimos are all allergic to cotton candy and it's proven that when they are a significant part of any region, there are never any cotton candy production factories around. God damn eskimos.

*UPDATE 2-19-05*
You ever wanted to have sex with something, but didn't have a vagina at your disposal? Apparently I'm your one-stop shop for all things substituted vagitudinally. So, if you ever feel the need to go to ask.com and propose the quandry "what can I use to substitute a vagina?" be prepared to find my site as the first result. That's right. If your vagina is sick and can't teach class, come to my site and we'll supply you with all the vaginal substitution you would ever need. I heard that a sandwich bag filled with hot lotion and M&Ms works perfectly as a simulated birth canal.

*UPDATE 2-21-05*
I'm really starting to pull in the "substitute vagina" traffic (I'm like #16 on dogpile.com). Because of this, I offer yet another vaginal substitute: Break a dozen eggs into an oven mitt, leave outside on a summer day for approximately four hours, mix in one teaspoon of donut-quality sprinkles, commence to fucking.

*UPDATE 3-13-05*
It's book report time. You decided that you're going to write yours about the great resurgence of the doughnut thanks to pastry empire Krispy Kreme. Well, if you go to ask.com and pose the query, "Who invented doughnuts?" you're greeted first and foremost, in bold, by the answer on my blog which appears to be Michael Jordan.I never considered it before, but it has become obvious to me that I'm probably the greatest teacher of my time. I'm like Socrates if Socrates really liked to make jokes about his own rape.


By far the most frequent way people happen upon my site via search engine is through some weird anomaly that I don't even quite understand. I'm apparently very high up in the google image results for the phrase (WARNING: Don't click this link if you don't want to see exactly what the phrase entails and even more)"guys making out". It says that it's from a place called fnuky.com, but when people click it, it takes them to an old page of mine where I referenced having accidentally found that picture.

6 comments:

Motumbo said...

how do you check search results like that?

Kurt said...

If you look down to the lower right corner of my blog, my hit counter is labeled "Site Meter." When I click it, since I have the password, I get to see all of the referrals, the locations, and durations of those who visit my site.

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know, I typed this into google and stumbled across your site

"why does my pee smell like golden crisps aftter i eat them"


Your site was the second one I went too.. apparently this only happends to a few of us, or else nobody else talks about it...

j said...

"urine smells like golden crisp" brought me here too. Just had a bowl this morning.

Anonymous said...

And a year later, "honey crisp urine" brought me here, too.

Anonymous said...

lol, i got here by typing "how to fuck over your neighbor" in google.. you're the number one result... wish my asshole neighbor had a car, but he doesn't because of course, he's an asshole