Saturday, January 06, 2007

In Arms Way!

I had a strange dream last night. I don't remember much about it, but I do remember that I was participating in wrestling. Not Greco-Roman wrestling, but professional wrestling, like Hulk Hogan-type stuff. Yes, that's possibly homo-erotic, but I think when you see where this is going, you'll agree that I'm not gay, just afraid of dinosaurs.

The guys I was wrestling against all had baby arms. In fact, that's what I was calling them in my dreams. I was saying things like, "Why do I have to wrestle baby arms?" And I was saying this to their normal-sized faces. I have balls in my dreams which I do not have in real life.

Like I said, I don't remember much about it, but I remember enough to know that you better not put me in a wrestling ring with somebody who has baby arms because I'm not touching that shit.

When I used to deliver pizzas when I was about 19, I had a couple of run-ins with a baby arms. It was always awkward. I would get to his door and tell him it was $16.15 or whatever and then I didn't know what to do. He would hand me a $20 from his infant fist which I would take and he would probably tell me to keep the change because he's a nice guy and I'm an asshole who can't get over his T-rex arms eight years later. But then I wouldn't know what to do. How do I give him his two pizzas? It's always two pizzas. I mean, based on physics alone, he's not going to be able to hold the boxes in his frail hands. If I offer to set it somewhere for him, though, then I'm the condescending idiot who doesn't let the handicapped do things for themselves. For him, though, holding a pizza box is like you trying to lift up a table from one end with a wet pair of pliers. Why wet? I don't know.

What I'd end up doing is putting one end into his active but minuscule mitts and then sort of supporting the other end with my hand lowering it as it just sagged and sagged to about a 60 degree angle and then I'd just let go hoping that's what he wanted me to do. To his credit, he's got some powerful little tentacles; he never dropped a pizza. Well, not that I saw. I left quickly every time. He would always hiss at me like a velociraptor and chase me to my car.


notyourmom said...

Two quick questions, one, did you have a mask on say like Nacho libre. Two, what was your wrestling characters name. And I guess a third would be, are you a good guy or a bad guy.....I want fucking answers dammit. Your story leaves to many gaps for questions to arise. I know you got better in ya, dig deep man!!

eob said...

I had a baby arms run-in once. I had to deal with a baby-arms guy for various buisness reasons and when things were all done he extends his twisted wreck of flesh for me to shake. So me being the "understanding nice-guy" type I shake his claw and leave. But on the drive home all I could imagine was this guy running back into the office and telling all his friends how he "gave me the baby hand and I actually shook it". Bastard.